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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)
A Wellness Perspective on Divorce (Encore)
Wellness is a positive outlook, an orientation to quality of life, the bright side and all that upbeat stuff. Still, however much one may focus every day on boosting fitness, finding meaning, seeking new paths to joy and happiness while protecting the well-traveled roads going in that direction, nasty weather, ill fortune and human setbacks still occur. What's a wellite to do at such times? There is only one good course—begin to adapt and move on, as smoothly as this sizeable bump in the road allows.
This is, of course, easier proclaimed than managed. Pulling it off without incurring great mental, financial and other damages is a daunting challenge.
In America, there were approximately 2,230,000 marriages in 2005; almost half as many divorces will occur in time based on current trends. The U.S. state with the highest reported divorce rate is Nevada, at 6.4 (per 1,000). Arkansas is a close second, with a divorce rate of 6.3, followed by Wyoming at 5.3. The District of Columbia had the lowest reported divorce rate, at 1.7, followed by Massachusetts at 2.2 and Pennsylvania at 2.5, but these data might reflect the fact that a lot of District residents (and others from Massachusetts and Pennsylvania) go to Nevada for divorces! (I doubt very much that many from these jurisdictions travel to Arkansas or Wyoming for this purpose.)
When divorce raises its unattractive head, things usually seem negative, unhealthful, damaging, harmful and threatening. Few married suspecting that, in time, the relationship would become a nightmare come true. Margaret Atwood described divorce as "an amputation—you survive, but there's less of you."
How might a wellness outlook mitigate the extensive emotional pains associated with divorces—for couples, children and even the extended families, friends and business associates?
Before addressing that question, a humor diversion seems in order. There has never been a shortage of humor associated with the topic, though it is no laughing matter. That, of course, is precisely why humor is associated with it—humor serves to take a little edge off pain and sorrow, at least for a moment. Anne Hayes, when asked whether she had ever considered divorcing her husband (the late Ohio State football coach Woody Hayes), said: "Divorce? No. Murder? Yes." (Lee Green, Sportswit, 1984.)
Step one, I suppose, is not to aggravate the situation by bad behaviors or suffer more than necessary due to dysfunctional thinking (e.g., by engaging in what Albert Ellis called "horriblizing" or otherwise panicking and so on). Continue to be a kind, thoughtful, loveable, sensitive, fair-minded and otherwise decent person. (If you have not been such a person, this might be a good time to reform your ways.)
Divorce is made more disturbing, difficult, complex, destructive and hazardous to your health and the serenity of the neighborhood than it has to be. In fact, it need not be any of these things, though a cooperating antagonist (the person you are divorcing or who is divorcing you) helps a lot to keep things sensible. The road to a dissolution of marriage is lined with fearsome land mines of all kinds, including government policies, avaricious lawyers, religious beliefs/traditions/and rules, the personality types and emotional qualities of those involved and the posture or incompetence of available support—professional or otherwise.
Naturally, there are other complicating factors, but nothing matters as much as your own wellness skill level. The degree to which you can artfully manage the process emotionally and otherwise is the key variable. In any crisis, personal mastery will facilitate the most positive resolution of a situation. Of course, if everyone were possessed of and engaged in the art of wellness thinking and behavior, ill-advised marriages and the need for divorces would be uncommon!
A few basic tips might be helpful:
- Keep up your healthy lifestyle habits, especially vigorous daily exercise.
- Don't even think about drinking more, or taking up bad practices that you avoided when things were great, such as smoking, pharmaceutical or recreational drug use and so on. Sex with someone else might be a good idea, however, but of course this is always fraught with all kinds of hazards that can prove more troublesome than the divorce proceedings and even complicate said proceedings.
- Communicate as openly and calming and otherwise as positively with your spouse as possible. This is hard, but worth your best efforts.
- Agree to speak positively about each other to the children, if there are any and keep their interests foremost in mind in all negotiations. Talk with the children together, after you have agreed upon the basic talling points.
- Obtain adequate legal representation—and instruct the lawyer or lawyers to play fair. To cooperate. This goes against the grain of legal traditions and ethics—but insist upon it and fire the lawyers if they don't comply.
- Get all financial documents in order.
- Pledge to keep each other's feelings in mind. Try to agree to put honor and integrity at the top of the list of values to be honored at all times.
- Explore the possibility that a lasting friendship will replace the marriage.
A foundation wellness quality key for safeguarding serenity and peace is a willingness to make the best of circumstances. Take responsibility for seeking order when chaos emerges. If "order" seems a bit out of reach at the moment, minimal negativity is advised.
Is this a good idea or what? Be well and try to look on the bright side of life.
Note: An early version of this essay appeared here on November 2, 2000.
Domain: physicalSubdomain: stress management
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