don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Exorcisms are back. Satan has been having a devil of a time possessing believers of late, and the Catholic Church as well as free-lance Pentecostal preachers are getting certified to meet the rising demand for demon extractions. The Church of England has an official exorcist in every diocese.

Personally, I'm puzzled why infidels do not seem to fall victim to Lucifer. What do you make of that? Only believers seem to be infected with The Evil One.

I'm not making this up. There really is an official exorcist for the Roman Diocese. Actually, the Catholic Church has been doing exorcisms since about 1614. The current head Devil chaser is Father Gabriele Amorth. The good father offers "real exorcisms" in accordance with a 27-page manual describing the ritual for driving out evil spirits. The Catholic Church has certified over 400 new exorcists. Figures are hard to obtain, but it's estimated that thousands worldwide do this kind of thing. In a recent interview, Amorth said, "People don't pray anymore, they don't go to church, they don't go to confession. There's a lot more devil worship, people interested in satanic things and séances and less in Jesus. The devil has an easy time of it." (Craig Whitlock, "Ritual of Dealing With Demons Undergoes a Revival," Washington Post, February 11, 2008; A09.)

Pope Benedict XVI has given his blessing to the rite of exorcism, though nobody has suggested this decision had anything to do with his opinion of America's diabolic president George Bush.

Well, everybody has to make a living. Rather than being put off by it all, I've decided to do a bit of it myself. Except, being a positive kind of guy, I'm going to offer positive exorcisms. No screaming at people, hanging them upside down, inflicting starvation treatments or other such assaults on sufferers. I won't even use the staples of exorcisms, such as holy water, incantations, prayers, incense, relics, crosses or other such symbols.

My method is convenient, stress-free and quick. All you have to do to rid yourself of Satan is buy my book, Aging Beyond Belief. You pay the regular, low price - just check the box for "demon extraction" when you place the order at SeekWellness. I'll affix a special message on the inside cover of your book. My method is not guaranteed (nor is the Church's) but it should be at least as effective as a full-blown exorcism.

I'll also offer one or two additional remedies, just in case my inspirational dedication does not do the trick. One such recommendation will be, "Seek qualified mental health counseling if you really think Satan has climbed inside your head or otherwise taken up residence, somehow, somewhere within your body - or soul."

Best of all, my approach won't subject you to humiliating treatments and you will have in your possession a good book with 69 really cool tips, including one on developing critical thinking skills, being skeptical and relying on science rather than primitive superstitions as guides to good living. All the best.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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