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by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.
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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Airport Security: My Plan To Decrease Wait Times, Increase Safety, Promote Weight Loss And Render Screening More Interesting

Wednesday January 16, 2008

Robert Benchley famously noted, "There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who do not." Like many popular expressions, this is quite ridiculous, but it sounds good. Name one person you know or know of who so divides the world! What possible either/or division could anyone defend? Crazy or sane? Superstitious or not? Saved or doomed? There are always multiple variations, subtleties, choices, gradations and so on. Not even male or female holds, given that some are not so happy being one or the other. Thus, not even this bifurcation is sensible. There are far more than two kinds of people in this world. There are millions if not billions of different kinds of people, all things considered.

Still, I thought for a moment about Benchley's comment the other day while making travel arrangements for an upcoming speaking tour in Europe (Austria and Bavaria). At first, I was of two minds about the adventure. I wondered how I might avoid becoming less fit or even unhealthy during my travels and, on the other hand, how I might organize things to enable improved levels of conditioning.

The first concern was about prevention strategies; the other with deriving maximum satisfaction and joy from the adventure. As usual, the life enrichment choice seemed more promising.

To travel well, I considered the following questions:

What immunizations, if any, are in order?
What is the best way to become as physically fit as possible for the journey?
What healthy routines can be planned during the trip?
Will it be difficult to eat wisely?
What steps might minimize stress?

George Eliot wrote, "Our deeds still travel with us from afar and what we have been makes us what we are." (Middlemarch, 1871) Just so, George. Wherever you are, don't put on airs. Be yourself. I resolved to keep this in mind.

I knew that despite advance travel plans, not everything ahead will be under my control. This includes weather, chance encounters, and so-called acts of god. Few people today literally believe that god or the gods create hurricanes, floods. tsunamis and other catastrophes, except malevolent televangelists who profit from the easily fooled. Believers prefer to blame a devil for unpleasantries. Most wisely acknowledge that random things just happen. Gods and devils aside, there is one thing that could be done in this era of Islamic terrorism that would make air travel safer, more enjoyable and more interesting -- and that might also lead to health advances on a global basis.

Require everyone to pass through screening devices bare-naked. Modesty must be set aside in these dangerous times of color-coded threat levels to protect lives and otherwise provide for the security of the populace. Besides the obvious benefit of this idea, that nobody could hide a weapon in his or her clothing, my ingenious notion of nudity at the checkpoints would have these additional advantages:

Lines would move faster without having to add expensive new devices or more security personnel.
The time spent milling about at airport security would be more interesting.
Everyone would have yet another incentive to become more fit -- the health benefits of this factor alone would make the idea desirable even without the security rationale.
Islamic and other religious fundamentalists would stay away -- these people have huge body hang-ups that would never allow them to go naked in public.
Last but not least, my naked screening plan may have many broader implications - world peace, for example. Maybe people would feel more connected to their fellow humans when shallow "disguises" of varied attires are removed. Maybe the human body would evolve as the great equalizer.

Now that I have had time to ponder and appreciate my bare-naked idea for boosting security and the advantages mentioned in support of it, maybe I'm having second thoughts about Robert Benchley's famous quote about "two kinds of people." Maybe he was right after all. There are those who, like me, will view this as a great idea and can hardly wait to strip down at security during their next trip somewhere or other requiring air travel. And there are those like Osama bin Laden, Mike Huckabee and Pat Robertson who will sooner walk or ride a mule than get naked in the presence of total strangers.

I say, if the absence of these three and other fundamentalists, prudes and body hang-up types from our airports is a price we have to pay for increased security, well, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. So, that's my "bare-naked airport security idea. I know what Shannen Doherty would say about it, based upon a listing of famous quotes on wearing nothing: "If God wanted us to be naked, why did he invent sexy lingerie?" I also know what Drew Curtis would say about it, given his fondness for Sweden: "I love Sweden. The entire world should be like Sweden. They all like to drink and get naked, and the women are hot. I can't think of a better nation on the planet." I'd like to know what YOU think of my plan.

Be well, take it off and always look on the bright side of life.

Domain: purpose
Subdomain: humor

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