don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Will there ever be, in our lifetime, a president, a Senate subcommittee, a government program that will dare emerge with a sex-positive, unashamed, salacious and delicious new guideline suggesting that we should all get naked as much as possible so long as we work to understand our bodies and enjoy ourselves responsibly and lovingly and respectfully and orgasmically because it will make the country and the planet a better place? In other words, will there ever be a time when we can honestly look to the U.S. government for valid and reasonable and healthy and truly informative, positive information about human sexuality, information that does not embarrass us and humiliate us and insult our libidos the same way Dick Cheney insults sunlight?

~Mark Morford, SF Gate, November 29, 2006 (Re the Bush Administration abstinence programs.)

Can you envision a time in the future of this country when there might actually be a president, a Senate subcommittee or a government program exhibiting such characteristics? I can. I think such enlightenment could come about by 2038, which is one of the reasons I am living such a healthy lifestyle now while I'm still in my (very late) sixties. I plan to do some post-graduate study, starting in 2038 when I reach centenarian status. By that time, I believe college coeds will have finally come to their senses and recognized that older guys are more stable, intelligent, interesting, affluent and, yes, appreciative and courtly than their awkward, testosterone-driven peers of the male persuasion. I'm only going to take three credit hours per semester when I return to GWU, UNC or Stanford, and even then I'm only going to audit the class. No exams for this student -- I'll be there to learn, not to take tests.

While I don't plan to attend football games, beer keg parties or rejoin my old PiKA or other fraternity, I do plan to reserve time for better appreciating the fairer sex than I did during the Kennedy Administration. True, they will be eighty years my junior, but I'm sure they will be fair-minded, open and non-ageist young ladies able to appreciate what I'll have to offer. Whatever that turns out to be. One thing I know -- wellness pays, baby. This is going to be great fun. 

Yes, I plan to hang out naked as much as possible so we all understand our bodies and enjoy ourselves responsibly, lovingly and respectfully and, who knows, maybe even orgasmically with the aid of new wonder drugs of 2038. I plan to do my part to make the country and the planet a better place. What about you? Are you looking ahead to a time when you can honestly look to the U.S. government for valid and reasonable and healthy and truly informative, positive information about human sexuality? If so, have you thought about what school you might choose where you will enroll for a class or two when YOUR 100th birthday rolls around? It's never too soon to start thinking about your very special birthday. As they say, you're only 100 once, so create a positive image for that milestone. It might help you get there.

If you are wondering why I picked college as the place where I plan to be when Mark Morford's wonderful future comes about thanks to a president, a Senate subcommittee or a government program, I'll explain. Many innovation and social reforms will be required before this country reaches the desired era of responsible, loving, respectful and orgasmic sexual freedom envisioned by my favorite futurist, Mark Morford. I think a college campus is a more likely setting for the emergence of this utopian breakthrough of freedom, dignity and fun than, let us say, the workplace, a military base or an Indian reservation. I believe in the possibilities of college campuses because of an article I read by one Judy Fortin, a correspondent with CNN Medical News. Ms. Fortin wrote about a trend amongst colleges to go smoke-free! In my view, this is a foot in the door for the kind of program Mark Morford foresees coming from a president, a Senate subcommittee or a government program.

Gainesville State College may or may not be the first college to appeal to me when I'm 100 (assuming my three alma maters are not quite there by 2038) but I think it shows promise, given the innovative wellness-based step already taken to guarantee clean air throughout campus, no exceptions. This is quite wonderful, in my view, even though I would have advised the placement of small port-a-potty-like ("Puffapotty?") structures in varied underground locations where addicts get their fix. If people want to self-destruct, I think they should have that right. Just don't include us -- thus my idea for secluded, out of the way Puffapotties.

Gainesville State College is in Atlanta, Georgia. It has 5,300 students. It has been smoke-free for four years -- no tobacco product can be used on campus by anyone, including students, faculty or visitors. The penalty is stoning, but only on the sister campus in Saudi Arabia. Nearly everyone at the Atlanta campus is said to favor the clean air policy, though it's possible the reporter did not look so hard for malcontents.

According to the American Nonsmokers' Rights Foundation, at least 60 other schools in this country are smoke free. The trend is underway; the ball is rolling. I wonder if Mark Morford knows about this?

Maybe we won't have to wait for a president, a Senate subcommittee or a government program to usher in that good and glorious day when a college campus of our choice that will dare emerge with a sex-positive, unashamed, salacious and delicious new policy suggesting that we should all get naked as much as possible and work to understand our bodies and enjoy ourselves responsibly and lovingly and respectfully and orgasmically and so on and so forth, along the lines of my man Mark Morford's vision that I have adopted for my 100th birthday back-to-school fantasy.

Maybe it won't happen at GW, UNC or Stanford. In that case, I think I might enjoy a new college -- and a new environment, new friends, new school colors, new fight song and all that jazz. I can see myself at Gainsville State College. I'll have to visit the campus one of these years and otherwise keep an eye on this innovative campus. I'll be ready -- whatever it takes to find a valid and reasonable and healthy and truly informative, positive place where I can get the added education I will be seeking to continue my education, including better understanding human sexuality, especially mine and a select number of others, at age 100. How many other people do you know as young as me who are already making plans for what they will do with themselves when they reach the century mark?

Be well. Look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the PHYSICAL DOMAIN under the skill area of appearance and aging. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

 Send e-mail to Don Ardell