don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

"All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it." 
H. L. Mencken

Lest you assume the case I'm about to describe is an urban legend, here is the CNN reference where you can corroborate my Dave Barry-like claim that "I am not making this up." 

Nor is the description lifted from the files of Ripley's "Believe It Or Not."

Donald D. Thompson, 57, an Oklahoma judge, was convicted by a jury in August of 2006 of using a penis pump to masturbate while presiding over trials between 2001 and 2003. A complaint, filed by the Oklahoma Attorney General, asserted that Thompson was caught in the act by a clerk, trial witnesses and his own court reporter. His punishment: Four years in prison and a $40,000 fine.

What kind of law applies to masturbation while serving as a judge in a courtroom? Have other judges been tried for such an offense and, if so, what punishments did they receive?What local, state or federal statues were violated? Was this behavior, however bizarre, truly a crime warranting jail time, let alone four years in prison?

The "crimes," my crack investigation has shown, were against varied "judicial canons" and that of "moral turpitude," as such things are perceived and implemented in Oklahoma.

Where is H.L. Mencken, who once famously observed, "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man," when we so desperately need him? (Dead, that's where.)

While not a judge at the time and not even aware of technological devices that could enhance such nefarious a deed, I seem to recall that the punishment for this kind of thing when I was a kid in the 50's was a dozen Hail Mary's. Father LaRue was tough, but I don't think any of my classmates ever went from confession to prison. God might have made them wear glasses or caused hair to grow on their palms, but no jail time or fines were levied, as best I remember. But then, this was not Oklahoma.

Here's my take on the matter -- I'm sure you're dying to know my wellness interpretation. I think Judge Thompson's sentence shows that religious beliefs play a huge role in our laws and their enforcement. Why should this be a crime? What if the judge had picked his nose and ate the boogers in front of everybody in the courtroom, not just a clerk, trial witnesses and his own court reporter? What if he scratched his butt continually, or blew phlegm into a spittoon? Would any of this warrant jail time, or such a fine as imposed for judicial  masturbation in Oklahoma? Think of other possible offensive acts in violation of cultural norms of a non-sexual nature. Is there any such offense that would be dealt with so harshly as the fate Judge Thompson met for giving new meaning to the phrase "getting off" in court?

The more appropriate punishment, it seems to me, would have been to simply remove the judge from the bench for not paying attention. After a warning, or two.

As mentioned, I'd like to know what you think. That is, if you are willing to "expose yourself" by commenting. 

Be well. Look on the bright side. If possible.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of mental health. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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