don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Meet Dunedin Triathlon Race Director Suzanne Henslee, pictured left. Suzanne was much taken by the essay that appeared here at SeekWellness entitled, "Is It Wise To Have Sex Before A Big Event?" Suzanne not only enjoyed the essay; she urged me to take the idea to the proverbial next level -- to test the validity of the claims at a local Florida event which she directs! As a result, plans are in the works for just such a study that should determine if sex before competition helps or hurts -- athletic performance. I am asking the Dunedin Rotary Club, which sponsors the annual Dunedin Beach Sprint Triathlon at Honeymoon Island State Park in the Tampa Bay Area , to get behind this scientific experiment.

If approved, the proposed study will invite nearly a thousand triathletes to report on pre-race sex and subsequent performance. The Dunedin Sprint Triathlon is an annual endurance event consisting of a 1/4 mile swim, 12 mile bike and 5K run. Watch for Dunedin, Florida and the Dunedin Rotary to become household words in the year to come if this goes through! Approval for the project will be sought at the time of my scheduled wellness keynote address to the Rotary later this month. With all the speculation as to whether sexual activity shortly before an athletic event helps or hinders performance, it will be good to finally have solid evidence for or against pre-game sex based on the results of this endurance event. Of course, there may be other reasons for or against sexual activity prior to an athletic event beyond its effects on athletic performance, but these concerns are outside the province of my proposed investigation.

Preparations for this investigation are well along, pending final approval by the Dunedin Rotary. Here are some of the basic considerations developed by myself and a few experts on the scientific review board that will monitor and assess the endeavor (including distinguished researchers Wendy Shore, Ph.D., a scientist at The Johns Hopkins Medical Center in Baltimore, Robert Ludlow of the Canton Institute and Professor Rick Clark of The Center for Sexual Functioning in Aging Male Runners, Tampa).

All triathletes at the 3rd Annual Dunedin Triathlon will be randomly assigned to sex and no sex groups. Participants in the former groups will be able to choose any KIND of sex to have and with whom, assuming they plan to involve someone else. In the latter case, the significant others need not be participants in the triathlon. In the case of males, subjects will be encouraged to perform to orgasm; this is not considered a key variable for female subjects, though the latter will be encouraged to at least fake orgasms.

At the end of the triathlon, participants will complete brief forms indicating their compliance with the experimental protocols. Data will be analyzed from the two groups (sex and no sex), though of course nobody, not even the race director or scientists conducting the study, including myself, will ever know who was in which group. However, people do gossip and even boast, so claims will be made. Fortunately, such distractions after the data are collected (post-race) should have no influence on the integrity of the research findings.

Additional considerations being mulled by the scholarly panel that will guide the study include the following:

• Whether to require pre-race stay-overs in Dunedin? If triathletes are required to reside in Dunedin the night before the event to be eligible to participate in the sex and competition study (badges could be awarded), the townspeople would make more money and thus be more supportive and able to interact more with the competitors. This would build interest in the event and the study. The Rotary and area Chamber of Commerce will probably encourage this feature. It would also provide unattached entrants with the opportunity to link up with others to work cooperatively, for the study, for the sake of science, of course. 
  
  
• Whether to introduce a bit of a gala, good fun tone to the study? Why does science have to be dull, or does it? If not, then many celebratory initiatives could make the occasion of the triathlon more of a festive event. For example, parties could be held the night before, speeches could be made, workshops conducted, techniques demonstrated and so on. On race morning, perhaps with 45 minutes to go before the first wave of competitors hits the water for the swim segment, town sirens could be sounded and church bells rung. This would signal study participants still in their hotel rooms or automobile back seats to "stop what they're doing." Another idea -- study subjects could be paraded to the race site on floats, with a police escort, sirens going, lights flashing, etc. with townspeople cheering along the way. Area Baptists could hold up protest signs ("What's next? Dancing?", for examples.)
  
  
• How to handle the media frenzy? The media will be at the race in force, as this modest event could soon become the most talked about and analyzed triathlon in the history of the sport.
  
  
• What dignitaries to invite? Should the invited guest study participant focus be on local characters, like Rhonda Storms (can she swim?), Congresswoman Katherine Harris and/or Governor Jeb Bush? Or, should national celebs be invited, as well? What about Paris Hilton? Howard Stern? Arnold? Carl Rove?

It's a little early to be thinking about the personal benefits for doing something like this, but I am curious about a few things, like "Is there a Nobel Peace Prize for scientific advances in human performance?"

I'll keep you informed of progress with this undertaking. In the meantime, you might want to submit your application for the next Dunedin Beach Sprint Triathlon at Honeymoon Island State Park

Be well. Always look on the bright side of life. 

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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