don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

In the previous essay, I suggested that stress is inherent in nearly everything we encounter, yet, the effect of any given stress stimuli depends almost entirely on how we choose to respond to it. Some folks are clearly more vulnerable to adverse responses to stress stimuli than others. Heading the list, in my opinion, are young people, affectionately known as adolescents. Merriam-Webster offers this definition of the condition: "The period of life from puberty to maturity terminating legally at the age of majority."

Young adults are under intense pressure from parents, peers and society. These pressures include expectations to "score" with other confused adolescents, get good grades, be popular and cool, dress right, do well at athletics, find income-producing work, manage financial demands, achieve honors and awards, pass constant tests, deal with hazardous substances (alcohol and drugs) in a mature fashion, maintain good relations with parents, impress teachers and otherwise give the impression of being a responsible and promising young adult. All this must be dealt with at a time when raging hormones are creating many socially unacceptable urges. Adolescents must handle all these pressures without allowing their parents to suspect that they know much about, let alone engage in, certain proscribed activities!

So, it is clear that adolescents are subjected to lots of stress stimuli. As noted, they certainly have less life experience to call upon than adults. Since most adults can't recall what it was like to be an adolescent, they are neither understanding nor patient about these stresses. The situation brings to (this) mind these lyrics from the hit 60's musical "Bye Bye Birdie:"

"Why can't they be like we were,
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?" (Music by Charles Strouse / Lyrics by Lee Adams)

So, what's an adolescent to do?

Further, what might parents of such critters do to mitigate, control, or help adolescents manage the stresses of these difficult years? Assuming you are an adult, here is a partial self-management checklist for your consideration. More can be done, but these basics might be a good starting point if communicated artfully over the course of time (NOT in a single lecture). Look for "teachable moments" that come along, and work them into these varied contexts. Communicating stress management lessons successfully might save yourself and your kids a world of grief.

CHOOSE YOUR REACTIONS

Adolescents need to learn that they do have some choice in how much significance and emotional impact to assign to any given situation, including all those pressures noted earlier (to score good grades, do well at athletics, engage in income producing work, manage financial demands on a tight budget, achieve honors and awards, pass constant tests, deal with hazardous substances and so forth).

The wellness stress mantra remains as follows -- It is not events, circumstances, or pressures that cause stress but rather the way we choose to deal with and respond to events, circumstances, and pressures. Help adolescents to learn, as you did over time, not to overreact to life circumstances, events, and pressures. Of course, this is not the easiest lesson to teach or to adopt for yourself, as the temptations to do otherwise are overwhelming, at times. Just the same, adolescents can be helped to appreciate that we do have choices in this regard. It is so much harder for them to appreciate that such a choice exists given the fact of immaturity and all those demand loads. But, it can be done and it's worth the effort.

MAINTAIN PERSPECTIVE

Just because others are losing their heads over trivial or even matters of great national interest, remind your favorite adolescents about the benefits of a sense of proportion.

While an event or circumstance may seem earth-shattering to your kids at the moment, the world will little care if Suzy goes to the prom with someone else, and in a few years Suzy will probably be unable to remember who went where with whom, let alone care in the slightest.

BE COOL ABOUT BEING COOL

Send this message in one form or another on more than one occasion: It would be fun to be the best dressed, most attractive, and smartest kid with the best body, most "stylin" wheels and neatest personality but life does not work that way. Nobody has everything and while some seem to have a lot more than others, do the best you can with what you have, however pitiful it might seem during adolescence. There's more than a little wisdom in the title of that John Prine song, "Dear Abby," especially the part about "you is what you is and you ain't what you ain't." No, it's not so grammatical but it's right on target.

WORK ON VALUES AND PURPOSES

Some things are more enduring than others. Quality of character and the nature of social skills matter a lot. These include abilities in communications, problem solving, conflict resolution, critical thinking, perseverance and friendship. These will have more impact on mental health and life satisfaction than grades, schools attended, the number of opposite sex members impressed, or similar issues that seem of such galactic consequence during adolescence.

MODEL WHAT YOU BELIEVE

No preaching -- try celebrating instead, that is, giving joyful expression as often as possible to an artful, self-managing lifestyle. Adolescents will eventually value the eventual payoffs of wellness attitudes and habits as much as adults. Model such values as vigorous daily exercise, good nutrition, sufficient rest and recovery, effective life management, skepticism, a highly developed and practiced sense of humor and play, a fascination with and openness to the continued quest for added meaning and purpose. Do all or most of that and adolescent stress won't amount to much.

Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, the theory is sound but can it be implemented? That depends. It depends on your commitment, your resources, a good bit of luck (for instance, that the adolescents you love and care for can stay out of harms way) and even genetics, to some degree. No guarantee in this matter, or in much else in this life. You do your best and hope for the same. Focus daily on exhibiting a strong sense of optimism. After all, the alternative (pessimism) is not known to be any more effective and is not nearly as emotionally satisfying.
And, if all this fails to lead to complete adolescent understanding at all times, well, consider these words of comfort from the late Erma Bombeck: "I firmly believe kids don't want your understanding. They want your trust, your compassion, your blinding love and your car keys, but you try to understand them and you're in big trouble."

All the best. In general and especially with adolescents, always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of stress management. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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