don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

What do the following characters have in common: SpongeBob SquarePants, Shrek, Scooby-Doo, Cookie Monster, Mickey Mouse, Howdy Doody, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Cat in the Hat, The Hulk, Chicken Little, Bugs Bunny, Tweety Bird, Dora the Explorer and Clifford the Big Red Dog?

They are child abusers! Never mind that they are mere cartoons, animations, puppets and other forms of licensed characters. These nefarious creations are masquerading as "playmates" to sweet innocents, when in fact they are evil lures manipulated by corporate predators. 

The characters noted are all a part of adult trickery to convert innocent, defenseless kids into enthusiasts for sugary, fat-laden, high-calorie, low-nutrient foods. Their blandishments make our children obese and probably dumber and worse behaved than they already are, my own grandchildren excepted. Something should be done about it. It happens that I have something in mind.

Put them all on predator websites and don't let them come within 2,000 feet of a school or day care center. Erect buffer zones around parks, playgrounds, trails, swimming pools, libraries and school bus stops off limits to all of them. Most important, do not allow Sponge Bob Square Pants, Shrek, Scooby-Doo, Cookie Monster, Mickey Mouse, Howdy Doody, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Cat in the Hat, The Hulk, Chicken Little, Bugs Bunny, Tweety Bird, Dora the Explorer and Clifford the Big Red Dog on TV or any other media (including food packaging) if they, in any way, continue luring kiddies toward pornographic food products. 

The listed characters have been identified as enemies of every child's health. They are a hazard to youthful prospects of a balanced diet. Steps should be taken to stop these miscreants from preying on children. Last year, food manufacturers spent $11 billion marketing these nefarious mountebanks to children. For these reasons, I believe the images of Shrek, Scooby-Doo, Cookie Monster, Mickey Mouse, Howdy Doody, Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Cat in the Hat, The Hulk, Chicken Little, Bugs Bunny, Tweety Bird, Dora the Explorer and Clifford the Big Red Dog should be posted on child predator websites. 

Is this response a bit extreme? I never thought I'd do it, but let me quote Barry Goldwater: "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue." I'm sure Barry would feel the same way about extremism in defense of a child's health or, for that matter, moderation about seeking justice for predators. 

This here ain't no time for moderation in the pursuit of justice, and it sure as heck IS a time for extremism in defense of healthy kids. That's my opinion, in any case.

All this seems consistent with (if perhaps the next step beyond) the recommendations of the Institute of Medicine (IOM), one of the nation's leading scientific-advisory bodies. The IOM spent a year studying 123 different research studies on the effects of food marketing on children's diet and health. Their findings and recommendations made headlines last month. (See "Panel Faults Food Packaging For Kid Obesity," Wall Street Journal, December 7, 2005; Page B1.)  According to the IOM, exposure to television ads is "associated" with obesity in children under 12 years old.

I would not be surprised if the Association of National Food Advertisers, as well as Kraft, Coke, Pepsi and all the other corporations that daily send cartoon characters off on their dreadful promotions, would think my idea a bit radical and unconstitutional. But, that's what they said about the IOM proposal. 

Remember Goldwater's mantra: "Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. And moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue?" At the time (1964), I thought Barry was a nutcase; now I agree with him, except it's regarding a different topic.

Now some might say the same about me. It's not easy being a wellness promoter these days. But, somebody has to do it. 

Be well.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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