don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

I'm sick of gutless disclaimers from pusillanimous writers terrorized into pitiful cowardice by bottom-dwelling lawyers urging the fainthearted amongst us to sue each other and I'm not going to take it anymore! So, I'm going to buck the trend and state without conditions that anything at SeekWellness.com's Wellness Center stands on its own and I make no apologies for any of it, except to note that the thoughts or opinions are not mine or anyone else's at this company, including my friends and my cats and don't quote me on that or anything else. All rights are reserved; these insights are copyrighted and you can't profit from them or include any of my stuff in commercial publications without written permission from the president. Other copyright laws for specific one-liners apply wherever noted. Articles in the Archives are subject to change without notice and some have been slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental. Hand wash after printing copies of these articles and don't put the paper in the washer, except on gentle cycle and then tumble dry on low heat and don't bend, fold, mutilate or spindle the papers. Your mileage may vary and be advised that no substitutions are allowed. For a limited time only (until the Year 3000), a subscription to the Wellness Report is on offer at only $30 but, you must act quickly and, needless to say, but I will just to be safe, this offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Advice is provided "as is" (as opposed to how it should be) without any warranties expressed or implied--user assumes full liabilities for the consequences of taking my advice. I'm definitely not liable for damages due to use or misuse of my recommendations. I am an equal opportunity wisdom-giver. Naturally, no shoes, no shirt--no advice on how to live your life. Remember that quantities of the 14 Days to Wellness are limited while supplies last; if defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself, but return the book to an authorized wellness service center approved by and on the take to me. As mentioned before or at least I meant to, caveat emptor--read this at your own risk. Parental advisory--explicit opinions are provided with and without discretion. What's more, text may contain material some readers, myself included, may find objectionable.Guidance of any kind is advised. Keep your computer away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Limit of 1000 copies of my book per family please; no money down; no advance purchase necessary and you need not be present to win. Some assembly required and batteries are not included. Action figures sold separately; no preservatives added but safety goggles may be required during the reading of some DRs. Sealed for your protection, do not read if the safety seal is broken. Be sure to call before you dig if planning to bury my book for time-capsule purposes. It is for external use only--if consumed and a rash or redness or irritation or swelling develops, discontinue eating my book or Wellness Reports. Read only with proper ventilation; avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. Keep away from open flames (it is paper, you know) and avoid inhaling the ink fumes if your copy is "hot off the press." Avoid contact with mucous membranes and do not puncture, incinerate, or store above 120 degrees fahrenheit or centigrade, either. Do not place near flammable, magnetic or thermonuclear sources; smoking the Report would show bad taste and disrespect and, of course, may be hazardous to your health, though I have not checked this with the current Surgeon General. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is to wear protection when reading 14 Days in public. All text used at this website is derived from 100% recycled electrons and magnetic particles; no animals were used to test the hilarity of my humor, nor do they contain any salt, MSG, artificial color or flavor additives.

Depending upon personal quirks, however, if ingested, the commentaries and editorials could induce vomiting so if symptoms persist, consult a proctologist. The book 14 Days to Wellness is slippery when wet; you should be 18 or older to read this stuff. Possible penalties for early withdrawal from any edition of my newsletter; witticisms may only be uploaded at valid, participating websites; rates are slightly higher west of Catalina Island; allow four to six weeks for deliveries. These disclaimers cover hurricanes, tsunamis, broken dams, lightning, tornados, volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, floods, and other Acts of God, misuse, neglect, unauthorized repair, damage from improper installation, broken antenna or marred cabinet, incorrect line voltage, missing or altered serial numbers, sonic boom vibrations, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, customer adjustments that are not covered in the above list, and incidents owing to airplane crashes, ship sinkings, motor vehicle accidents, leaky roofs, the nepotism of the Bush Administration, broken glass, falling rocks, mud slides, forest fire, flying projectiles, or dropping the item. Other restrictions may apply. Remember, I'm open to all arguments in support of my opinions.

If something I wrote offends you, lighten up, get a life and move on. And, one more thing: All opinions expressed at this Wellness Center concerning personal responsibility and that sort of thing are mine alone, and do not necessarily reflect the official view of the webmistress, advertisers, former Supreme Court nominee Harriet E. Miers or Tom DeLay. But, I like to think that now, if not before, these opinions are yours, too.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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