don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

I have a plan to build compassion and tolerance in the hearts of America's ruling Republicans --ask God to make more gay (Republican) babies. 

A lesbian daughter led Dick Cheney to break ranks with his party, and to declare that "people should be free to enter into any kind of relationship they want to enter into. It's really no one else's business...," adding, "I try to be open minded...and tolerant. I think we ought to do everything we can to tolerate and accommodate whatever kind of relationships people want to enter into." (Source: Margorie Williams, "When Cheney broke ranks," Washington Post, 2000-OCT-13, Page A39. Online at: http://washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/.)

My plan for an atheist prayer day is to ask God to bless other Republican families with gay children, the better that they, too, might develop the compassion modeled by the Vice-President. 

Who better to persuade the Almighty than millions of infidels who don't believe in Him? A coordinated effort by atheists should make a big impression on God. By giving Him the benefit of their doubts through prayer, atheists will be more effective than Christians who pray all the time. Furthermore, God will realize that atheists seeking help for Republicans are more admirable, as well as interesting and original, than believers. Put yourself in God's place and consider what a refreshing change this will be for Him! A day of prayers from heretics seeking help for others, versus the usual prayer traffic (for example, urgent imprecations for field goals, extra points and related sports favors, relief from sore hips and other symptoms of aging, help murdering people who have different belief systems, etc.).

George Bush proclaimed September 8, 2005 a national prayer day; the Christian Right has May 4, 2006 as their national day of prayer -- heathens seeking to build empathy in Republicans should pick their own day for atheist prayers. I suggest April 1. 

The need for God's blessing on compassion-impaired Republicans is self evident, but if anyone has a doubt, consider Alan Keyes. Mr. Keyes is an anti-gay rights conservative pundit and a Republican candidate for something every election. He called Mr. Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary a sinner and labeled homosexuality "selfish hedonism." Even when HIS daughter Maya Marcel-Keyes came out of the closet, Mr. Keyes seemed less than tolerant or compassionate. In fact, according to a CBS News Report on Feb. 13, 2005 ("Alan Keyes' Daughter Coming Out"), he "threw her out of the house, stopped speaking to her and refused to pay for her college." My sense is that most Republicans are more like Mr. Cheney than Mr. Keyes, and thus the gift of gay babies from Jesus will have the effect intended by Atheist Prayer Day. As for Mr. Keyes, well, if our prayers have the desired effect this time, we can focus on him next year. 

Being an atheist myself, I have no idea what form an atheist prayer might take. However, we have several months to work on this before Atheist Prayer Day on April 1. Send suggestions to "Atheist Prayer Day" here at SeekWellness.com

Wait!  I can't ask for prayer ideas without making some attempt to create one. How's this, for starters? 

"Dear God, hear (that is, grant) my desire, if it's not asking too much. I admit I don't believe in prayer and, for that matter, I'm kind of skeptical, well, I actually don't really believe in you, either, but I've been wrong about other things and if I'm off on this one, well, please excuse. I did my best to use the intellect I inherited and, frankly, the evidence that you're out there left a lot to be desired. Anyway, no hard feelings, I hope. I promise to believe if you send a really good sign--no images on chocolate chip cookies, taco shells or rusty buildings. No " miracle" cures by Benny Hinn (or other faith healers), either. Personally, a winning lottery number might do the trick-hahaha. That was a joke-I assume you have a sense of humor. If not, please forgive. Anyway, consider this talking to myself exercise a prayer. I pray that lots of Republican families be granted the benefit of gay children. I think this will lead them, like it did our Vice-President, to be more loving and, well, Christian in their attitudes toward gays. That's all I ask. Thanks. Uh, amen."

I suppose free-thinkers will all want to write their own prayers for delivery on Atheist Prayer Day, but anyone who wants to suggest refinements for my prayer is cordially invited to do so. Be well and always look on the bright side of life. Oh, and one more thing: God bless Republicans.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of applied wellness. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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