don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Some might be surprised when I confess to being jealous of Kim Jong II, the "dear leader" of the "Evil Empire" of North Korea. Kim Jong, henceforth referred to as dear leader or DL, has been described by diplomats as "a vain, diminutive playboy paranoid cognac-guzzling hypochondriac who wears platform shoes and favors a bouffant hairstyle in order to appear taller than his 5 feet 3 inches." (Source: BBC Online News, 31 July, 2003.)

Here is a picture of the tubby tyrant, recently photographed pointing the way to a socialist paradise. The jury is out as to whether he is a "master manipulator or an irrational madman." 

"What is it about this guy," you might wonder, that makes me jealous? Could it be my admiration for his party animal reputation? Maybe you are unaware of this aspect of DL. Consider an account of his wild side provided by Konstantin Pulikovsky, a Russian emissary who accompanied him by train across Russia. Mr. Pulikovsky reported that the North Korean leader had live lobsters flown in daily, which he shared with Mr. Pulikovsky AND a bevy of female companions of "utmost beauty and intelligence." 

No, that's not what makes me jealous, though if that makes him an "irrational madman," I'm a bit sympathetic. Can a guy who travels in such style be all bad? Sure, his country is enslaved, impoverished and the world's leading pariah society, but let's not be picky, picky. 

In any case, the lobsters and companions of utmost beauty and intelligence are not the source of my jealousy of this lunatic. Nor is it because (according to North Korean propaganda mythology) DL Kim Jong II was born in a log cabin on North Korea's highest mountain, Mt. Paektu, in February 1942 at the same time as there appeared a double rainbow AND a bright star in the sky. After all, these same conditions (including the log cabin) were true of my own birth on July 18 in Philadelphia, three years earlier, according to the mythology put out in MY official propaganda). What, then, accounts for my jealousy of old Kim boy?

It's about power. DL recently decreed (I never get to "decree") that all North Korean male coiffures be shortened to conform to "socialist style,'' which means no more than two inches. Imagine being able to set styles or make other changes in society with a bevy of decrees. Think of the possibilities for wellness. You want a healthy country? Give me the power DL enjoys to issue decrees! 

Thanks to DL, state-run Central TV began ridiculing nonconformists, that is, North Korean hippie types, as "unhygienic, antisocialist fools." Those with long hair were called "blind followers of bourgeois lifestyle." As DL explained, "Long hair hampers brain activity by taking oxygen away from nerves in the head." (As described in an Associated Press story on February 2, 2005 by Sang-Hun Choe entitled "Short Hair Back In - That's An Order!".)

Now that I can no longer grow long hair, I can readily agree with this conclusion. (However, as noted in the AP story, "North Korea's campaign mentions no rules for women and gives no explanation as to why their long hair would not result in reduced brain activity.")  What a motivator that DL is. 

A few pansy liberals might object to my assuming this kind of role in order to promote wellness, so that's also part of why I envy the DL--he can get away with this stuff. Yet, if I could reduce the obesity epidemic with wellness decrees (for example, eat fruits and veggies, do triathlons, attend National Wellness Conferences, get 23 DBRU's daily and so on and on -- I'd issue hundreds of decrees), think of the explosion of good health that would follow! Isn't that worth giving me tight control of all media, allowing my agents to monitor the US population and granting me the right to dictate cultural tastes? Let's not be picky when the ends desired are for the peoples' own good! 

Be well. If you have the good fortune not to be living under DL decrees, there is no reason why you should not be able to always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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