don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

1. Rely on faith, not critical thinking, when you encounter ads for diet pills, over-the-counter drugs, weight loss supplements, creams, wraps, devices and patches.
   
   
2. Eat at McDonald's at least once a day. Order a typical "happy meal," like Chicken McNuggets with French fries. Finish off your epicurean fast feast with a dessert. This way you will get plenty of salt, trans fats, starch and that staple of the American diet-sugar.
   
   
3. Adopt the view that exercise is futile, so forget about it. The typical meal at Mc Donald's has so many calories you would have to walk six hours to burn them all off --and this is the right away to think about such things. Weight control is hopeless.
   
   
4. Assume that people who sell things are always honest and that their product claims are supported by independent research--and that you (the American consumer) are protected by the FTC and other government agencies. 
   
   
5. Look for the following special opportunities: Losing weight without dieting or exercise, losing a substantial amount of weight regardless of how much you eat, products that guarantee permanent weight loss, products (or mantras!) that block the absorption of fat or calories, diet plans that enable you to "safely" lose three or more pounds a week for as many weeks as you want to lose three or more pounds, products that "work equally well for everyone" and weight loss products that you wear (other than jogging shoes!) or rub into your skin.
   
   
6. Whenever possible, consume convenient, refined, highly processed food with great speed. This will enable you to consume much greater high calorie loads before your appestat mechanism signals "enough already." 
   
   
7. Think of each meal as a festival and always remember this: Bigger is better. When I was in high school, I heard this ad jingle incessantly: "Pepsi-Cola hits the spot/12 full ounces, that's a lot." Well, no more--12 ounces, full or not, would be enough for some of today's high schoolers to snort up their nose. The 7-11 stores, for instance, offer a "Double Gulp" alternative to the sniveling 12 ounces of Pepsi, namely, a cup of 64 ounces of ice and soda--a full half-gallon serving! Take that, Pepsi!  
   
   
8. Increase your commute and otherwise drive (or ride) as much as possible. A recent study involving 11,000 people in the Atlanta area suggests that time spent in automobiles has more effect on excess weight than income, education, gender or ethnic group. Is this reason enough to surrender the convenience and pleasures of supporting OPEC nations by driving oversized cars here, there and everywhere? Certainly not.
   
   
9. Watch more television. An official at the Harvard School of Public Health claims that "the best single behavioral predictor of obesity in children and adults is the amount of television viewing," but what do these pointy-headed academics know, anyway?
   
   
10. Accept uncritically the following catchy weight-loss slogans: "Lose 30 pounds in 30 days, lose all the weight you want for $39.99, lose weight while you sleep, lose weight and keep it off for good, Joe Blow (or whoever) lost 100 pounds on this program" and, last but not least, always be impressed with the catch phrases "scientific breakthrough" and "medical miracle." If you believe in the other kind of miracles (loaves and fishes, parting seas, rising from the dead, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, etc.), you probably won't have much trouble going along with the likes of these, as well.

The genus Homo appeared about two million years ago, and it has taken us this long to develop the highly evolved civilization we enjoy today. Our affluence and advanced technologies enable us to consume more calories than ever before--why shouldn't we take advantage of this unique opportunity to super-size ourselves? Maybe it's all part of the grand plan in the evolution of man--and woman! Don't let the health nuts ruin the fun--eat, drink, relax and be merry and look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the PHYSICAL DOMAIN under the skill area of nutrition. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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