don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Manners are made up of trivialities of deportment which can be easily learned if one does not happen to know them; manner is personality--the outward manifestation of one's innate character and attitude toward life.   Emily Post

Somewhere, someone is wearing a tube top in church. At a funeral. Cell phones are ringing in classrooms, theatres, and libraries. White sandals are being worn in the dead of winter on the streets of New York--with stockings. A girl is staggering under the weight of an air conditioner, on a 90-degree day, as a nearby boy watches with interest, idly enjoying a cold beverage. Young people are swing dancing in khakis. Chocolate is running around in "martinis." And everywhere, the elderly, the infirm, and the pregnant are standing up on trains. We are appalled. Something has to be done. This is a job for the Etiquette Grrls.
Source: Etiquettegrrls.com - "Crusading for polite behavior in a tacky, rude world."

Whatever happened to fair dealing?
And pure ethics?
And nice manners?
Why is it everyone now is a pain in the ass?
Whatever happened to class?

Whatever happened to, "Please, may I?"
And, "Yes, thank you?"
And, "How charming?"
Now, every son of a bitch is a snake in the grass.
Whatever happened to class?

Ah, there ain't no gentlemen
To open up the doors.
There ain't no ladies now,
There's only pigs and whores
And even kids'll knock ya down
So's they can pass.
Nobody's got no class!

Whatever happened to old values?
And fine morals? And good breeding?
Now, no one even says "oops" when they're
Passing their gas.
Whatever happened to class?

Excerpt from "Class" in the musical Chicago (Sung by Catherine Zeta-Jones, Queen Latifah)

Etiquette, courtesy and good manners--and "class," perhaps, are worthy qualities that enrich individual life and contribute to smooth and affable community relations. A person with agreeable qualities in these areas is much advantaged. Too often, we are disappointed or offended by the absence of such qualities than charmed by their quiet manifestation. You will probably agree that in addition to all the usual and customary qualities of a well person (physically and mentally on track, so to speak), good etiquette, courtesy and good manners are or should be considered qualities of a well person.

Etiquette, courtesy and good manners are three terms closely related and complementary. Each has its own meanings and applications, but all are vital to a smooth and enjoyable sense of shared values and a supportive community. There are a few fine distinctions in the terms. Whereas courtesy and good manners are always invaluable and appreciated, an awareness of and adherence to the applicable local rules of etiquette are more important at some times than others. For instance, it is only mildly of use to know just where to place each piece of flatware should Her Royal Highness, the Queen of England, drop by unexpectedly for dinner. It is mildly important, among other reasons, because the chances of an unexpected stopover from Queen Elizabeth are slim. Similarly, referring to the above quote from the Etiquette Grrls, who cares if someone puts chocolate in her "martini?"

Judith Martin, best known as "Miss Manners," believes "freedom without rules doesn't work." Edith Wharton, Henry James and legions of pacesetters (or enforcers of established refined sensibilities!) would surely concur. Similarly, healthy lifestyles without due consideration for the sensibilities of others does not work so well, either, especially in terms of harmonious, successful relationships.

All of which gives added significance to the trend in many high schools around the country to teach etiquette, courtesy and manners as part of the core curriculum. For varied reasons on which there is little consensus, a certain degree of civility seems to have been lost over the last few generations. Or, if you prefer, there never was a sufficient level of civility and that deficiency has become more pronounced. Either way, some educators and other community leaders have pioneered courses in schools to teach our savage youth (kidding) everything from table manners to the basics of how to treat each other with greater kindness, respect and civility. It is a fine trend that wellness enthusiasts might wish to embrace and promote in their own fashion. One such program, "Manners of the Heart," is part of the curriculum in 200 schools across the country, with a related version promoted for families.

From a wellness perspective, it seems to me that we might at least try to model valued aspects of these three qualities. We can do that by being unflinchingly kind, considerate, forgiving, pleasant, courteous, thoughtful and gentle. For starters. I won't mention patience, charity, leadership, citizenship or diligence--I don't want to start sounding like some pious fraud like Bill Bennett, the gambler. Ooops, I'm failing to practice what I preach. "Whatever happened to class?" Then again, I never said etiquette, courtesy and good manners are easy, but don't worry about perfection. Do what you can and always try to get better, little by little and bit by bit.

As George Eliot observed, "What do we live for if not to make life less difficult for each other?" Well, I can think of other reasons for living, but this is surely a good one to add to the mix.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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