don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

In my younger days, I often wondered if I would someday hit upon a million dollar idea that would put me on easy street and maybe make the world a better place at the same time. Now that I am well into my allotted four-score and then-some years, I was beginning to think badly of my prospects. Until now.

Happily, I have stumbled upon a concept that may lead to a product that is going to be more lucrative than winning a big fat lottery. The product is wellness water. In the interest of full disclosure, let me acknowledge right at the outset that I did not come upon this in the course of conducting my usual research for daily essays. That is, I was not engaged in imaginary double- blind, crossover trials of a longitudinal, horizontal and dignified nature when I conceived of wellness water. No, revelation came to me while reading about another product, which came to my attention quite serendipitously. Specifically, the insights that would lead to the discovery of wellness water occurred due to the onslaught of spam. Yes, in the course of deleting the detritus from a spam attack, I read just enough of one bit of spam offal to realize I could make a fortune converting the idea behind a totally ridiculous product and applying this basic idea (in a benevolent, loving and meaningful way) to a genuinely wondrous product. In order to make the world a better place, of course. As well, of course, as to get rich quick.

Before I describe my product, I'll tell you about the spam ad--and you will soon see the power of and certain success that awaits the wondrous product soon to be sold right here at SeekWellness.com. It will be called "Don's Wellness Water."

The spam was for "flavorless nicotine infused drinking water." The product name is based on the acronym this phrase invites, but I won't repeat it so as not to boost a product that I believe is a waste of money, like the phony-baloney, holistic modality (homeopathy) on which its effectiveness is said to be founded. Let's call it "Junkie Water" or "JW" for short.

First, the spammers describe the need for JW. This is a hoot. These are my words, but I'm summarizing their pitch.

It's tough out there for America's 50 million smokers. Airlines won't let you indulge and pollute the air for other passengers. A carry-on item is available that is just the thing for nicotine addicts. It won't help you quit, but it will deliver a fix by quenching the craving. It's JW--junkie water and it works like a homeopathic remedy or at least is sold based on the same ludicrous theory. Naturally, you can also use it when you need a hit in smoke-free buildings, in autos with children and others you don't want to endanger with smoke fumes and gases and elsewhere where lighting up could get you ostracized or indicted.

That's how the spam ad read. The spammers say JW is "an appealing and socially acceptable alternative to smoking that is as satisfying to smokers as it is to the non-smokers around them." Huh? As satisfying as it is to the non-smokers around them? These people are weird!

The ads note the president of the company is not a smoker himself "but isn't surprised that smokers have so enthusiastically embraced his product." No evidence is given to document that smokers have embraced JW, but this statement implies that the president has more sense than to need the product his company produces.

Well, there it is, wellness water for nicotine addicts loaded with some mysterious homeopathic ingredient so diluted as to be chemically untraceable. According to P.T. Barnum, a sucker is born every minute. If smokers ever embrace this stuff, Barnum's law will be proven.

Instead of JW, choose my non-homeopathic water, or "Don's Wellness Water" (henceforth DWW). My water is better than firewater, holy water or nicotine water (JW) because it is faith-based, not homeopathic nonsense based. Best of all, it's not just for those with a nicotine craving--it's for everybody for ALL occasions.

Feeling stressed? Drink DWW!
Need to lose weight? Drink DWW!
Looking for love? Drink DWW.

Whatever your heart or other parts desire, believe and drink DWW. That's all there is to it. Just believe--it's the panacea effect. Better than homeopathy any day. All you have to do to insure that DWW does whatever you want it to do, in airplanes or elsewhere, is to know in your heart/head/soul or wherever you think you just know things that it will work.

Have you any idea how much modern medicine relies on placebos? Mine is loaded with them, just like most religions (except YOURS, of course, which surely is the one truth faith.)

As the good Monty Python folks would advise ("Always Look On The Bright Side of Life"),

"When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle,
That's the thing."

Besides singing about it, have a slug of DWW-you'll be looking on the bright side in no time. Be well.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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