don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

THIS way to the big show! Buy your tickets to the big show! Only five minutes before the show starts...Step right up, gentlemen, and show your ladies just how strong you are! You all know the drill; grab the hammer, hit the platform, ring the bell. This is where boys become men... and some men become boys! And if we have any ladies that can outperform their gentlemen, they get a special prize: a man-sized leash and collar!

Maxwell Grant, "Crime Circus"

Americans love their drugs. Seniors are clamoring for more of them, for free, under Medicare entitlements. Four years ago, retail sales of prescription drugs alone exceeded $100 billion (source: NACDS--National Association of Chain Drug Stores); these figures have since increased substantially. Over the counter remedies sold just in chain pharmacies raised drug spending to $50 billion--and these numbers are only for the legal variety of drugs.

Americans are buying drugs for every conceivable reason, no doubt including a desire to show others how strong they are! More often, sadly, the purchases reflect an ingrained sense that medications of one kind or another, usually in combinations unknown to physicians, will make things better. There's a lot of pain out there.

The problems with this drug-taking, besides high costs, ineffectiveness and the fact that excessive use is often an end-run around the option of choosing healthier lifestyles, is the fact that most drugs have unpleasant side-effects.

So, we at SeekWellness.com say, "It's time for a change. A new kind of medication is needed. THIS way to the big show! Buy your tickets to the big show! Only days (last minute testing) before the show starts...Step right up, ladies AND gentlemen, and demonstrate to whoever you want to impress just how SMART you are!"

Do this with our soon-to-be-available elixir of the ages, the SEEKWELLPILL! The SEEKWELLPILL, henceforth referred to as SWP, has not and never will be blessed by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA.) Pay that fact no mind--our SWP is a pure wonder drug--you can bet your bottom dollar on that.

The SWP is not so hard to swallow, unlike some of the whopper-size pills the pharmaceutical companies offer, as if we had throats ranging in size from sparrow-like to hippopotamus in nature. The SWP looks like a white M&M and tastes about as good, goes down easily and you can ingest as many of them as you like and you won't get fat, if you exercise a lot. We will offer a wide range of doses, all the way from 1 to 25,000 milligrams. We aim to please everyone and make a few bucks at the same time. We'll offer the SWP in liquid and injectable forms, as well as the venerable pill itself. All of us at SeekWellness are excited to start selling and making a killing with this new product. It is the first offering we ever had that stood any chance of getting our stuff into American medicine cabinets.

We are not shy about the fact that our SWP is a placebo, as inert as the candidacy of Al Sharpton. Why should we be? A century or more of studies has shown beyond a doubt that placebos are wonder drugs. They "cure" all manner of ailments and disorders, ranging from lower-back pain to erectile dysfunction to nausea." They also work like a charm for "bipolar disorder, depression, dysthymia, panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, seasonal affective disorder and stress." ¹

However, like faith-healing, placebos have their limits and we'll be the first to admit it. The SWP is no more effective than Lourdes in cases of missing limbs, restoring the old to youth or raising the dead. It's good, but not THAT good.

We will also send along lengthy testimonials from persons alleged to have benefited from taking SWPs. Such "evidence" is incredibly popular in all manner of alternative medicine, as well as television and print ads for standard pharmaceuticals.

All placebos are not the same. The SWP is prettier than other placebos, costs a lot less and is not distributed to doctors (that is to say, our ethical standards are above the rest.)

We have no idea how or why the SWP works or when it works or what is best to take with it. We are also way too ethical to have tested it on animals, or even plants for that matter.

As soon as we figure how much we want to make from this amazing new product, we will make it available right here at SW. Meanwhile, be well, as drug-free as possible, and always look on the bright side of life.

¹ This essay was inspired by a piece at TheOnion.com about placebos and their effectiveness in curing "Random Occasional Nonspecific Pain and Discomfort Disorder (RONPDD), a minor but surprisingly pervasive medical condition that strikes otherwise healthy adults." (The Onion, "FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo," September 17, 2003.")

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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