don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Sexual activity (referred to simply as "sex" henceforth) is a super-charged topic in America and almost everywhere else. It is far more volatile in some places than others. Sex takes many forms and the situational appropriateness of these forms is incredibly subjective and diverse across the globe, and even within the same countries. Behaviors that in some places (for example, overtures to a woman not your wife) can cost you your head (for example, in Saudi Arabia) can lead to head in another. If it did not have such innate appeal, most would avoid sex entirely. Some, as in religious orders, try to avoid it but discover, due to the influences of a few hundred thousand years of evolution, that sustaining such intentions is next to impossible.

When sex is the cause of problems in this country, it can lead to labels, and one label favored by those oriented to the "recovery movement," 12-step programs and the like is "sexual addiction." What, exactly, is sexual addiction? Is it for real? How serious is it? How does one know if he/she is addicted to sex?

Beliefs that affect our thinking and feelings about sex are, for many, inextricably woven into religious-based conditioning and subsequent convictions and passions. All in all, sex is a controversial stew, and anyone writing a wellness column with any sense at all will steer clear of the topic.

All of which is why I thought it high time for a "Don's Report" on sex. Since sex is so hugely complex as well as possessed by all those other qualities noted above (in other words, volatility, subjectivity, etc.), I'll narrow the focus to sexual addiction. Like sex itself, the subject of addiction is super-charged, subjective and fraught with passionately held beliefs. Yet, the topic affects the quality of life for everyone, and since wellness is about quality of life, how can I shun such a subject? Besides, it's fun to talk (and write) about matters that interest me. Who knows--maybe I, myself, am a sex addict!

What, exactly, constitutes an addiction? According to Dr. Michael Stone, the medical director of Cornerstone of Southern California, "addiction is a brain disease. Addicts have physical changes (differences) in their brain chemistry which cause addict behavior and addict feelings, moods and drives. These changes are at the deepest level of the brain where one cell "talks" to another cell by sending messages (chemical messengers called neurotransmitters) to each other." Wow. So, how does one know if his or her brain is diseased by addict behavior in the sexual realm? Are YOUR brain cells "talking dirty" to each other? Are YOUR neurotransmitters veritable 900 number phone lines that are likely to cause you heaps of trouble and make your life miserable?

To sort this out, consider the criteria put forward by sexual addiction advocates (defenders of the need for treatment for those who seem inappropriately fond of sex) as indicative of sexual addiction. The following is a self-assessment tool used by Sex Addicts Anonymous or SAA, "a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or dependency." Your answers to these questions will help you decide if you are a sex addict.

Of course, to help you decide "correctly," I'll supplement the SAA tool with a wellness interpretation of each question and a brief analysis of the question--for your consideration. You may decide you are doing just fine, on the whole, and that whatever your brain cells are talking about, it's no problem and, what's more, it's all quite wholesome, fun and rather entertaining. If this is deemed the case, then it's probably best that you not take yourself or your sexual activities too seriously-do what you like and enjoy. Provided, of course, you don't live in Saudi Arabia or you are not caught up in the guilt trips of one religion or another. On the other hand, you may decide you are really one pathetic sicko, in which case you need a psychiatrist, electro-shock, institutionalization, an exorcism and or a cold bath. As is always the case in matters of wellness, you are responsible. Yet, I'm sure you are just fine, provided you are not reading this in the nude or doing something really weird right now as you read these scientific, double-blind longitudinal and horizontally dignified academic words of wisdom.

Without further ado, here is the SAA sex tool to help you decide if you are addicted. Be honest, sicko!

1. Do you keep secrets about your sexual or romantic activities from those important to you? Do you lead a double life?
2. You don't have to be Bill Clinton to want a definition of "secrets," as well as what the SAA folks mean by sexual, romantic and double life! This question is too vague to be useful, in my opinion. Give yourself one point for being "sexually just right."
3. Have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?
4. These are two very different questions. What if only one applies? Some of my best sexual experiences have been in places and situations I never could "normally" choose! One of the reasons the experiences were so enriching and "spiritually fulfilling," not to mention meaningful and aerobic and otherwise wonderful, is that they were not normal, or customary. As to the second question, I have done all kinds of things with people I would not normally choose to do them with, including giving speeches at religious conventions, competing in triathlons against people who are faster than me, that I would not CHOOSE to be with. If the price is right, I speak to anybody or any group, including Republicans--and one does not have any control over who is going to show up on race morning. Furthermore, one does not always know at the onset of any given activity if he/she will want to be with someone later on, years down the proverbial road. If you doubt that, ask a divorcee the second part of this question--you will probably come face-to-face with a sexual addict, as the SAA defines the phrase.
5. Do you find yourself looking for sexually arousing articles or scenes in newspapers, magazines, or other media?
6. Not that I'm defensive or anything, but what the hell's wrong with that?
7. Do you find that romantic or sexual fantasies interfere with your relationships or are preventing you from facing problems?
8. Au contraire! Such fantasies often enhance the relationship (s) and enable folks to face problems. Fantasies can be positive or negative. Like so much else in life, it all depends. What it all depends upon is infinitely varied.
9. Do you frequently want to get away from a sex partner after having sex? Do you frequently feel remorse, shame, or guilt after a sexual encounter?
10. Again, these are two very distinct questions. The response to the first is much affected by the interpretation given to "get away from." What is the proper time interval for hanging around that signals "non-addictive sexuality?" There are times when we are well advised to "get away from" someone ASAP, in a dignified manner of course, after many kinds of transactions, not just sexual ones. Who, for instance, wants to hang around toll takers, traffic cops, any number of co-workers and so on? What's the point?
11. As to remorse, shame and guilt, these are signals to reform one's behavior or get a new religion, in my opinion. If you experience these emotions, you need counseling, no matter the encounter that brings them on.
12. Do you feel shame about your body or your sexuality, such that you avoid touching your body or engaging in sexual relationships? Do you fear that you have no sexual feelings, that you are asexual?
13. This sounds like the opposite of a sexual addiction; if disposed to answer these questions in the affirmative, it seems likely that you need to learn to ENJOY sex, not get over it, redirect or control it.
14. Does each new relationship continue to have the same destructive patterns which prompted you to leave the last relationship?
15. Maybe you left the last relationship for reasons OTHER than destructive patterns? Maybe, and there is a 50 percent chance that the destructive patterns were held by the OTHER person in the last relationship. However, assuming you do indeed have a pattern of behaviors that are destructive to relationships, maybe said dysfunctional tendencies are other than sexual in nature. Maybe you snore! Maybe you smoke cigarettes, or drink too much or pass gas to excess (an essay on the acceptable amount of such emissions will follow in due time) or don't look after yourself properly. There are lots of destructive patterns that have nothing to do with sex.
16. Furthermore, maybe the problem is not that YOU leave relationships, but that others leave relationships with you.
17. Is it taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief? This is sometimes, no, most times caused by aging, not sexual addiction! Try Viagra.
18. Have you ever been arrested or are you in danger of being arrested because of your practices of voyeurism, exhibitionism, prostitution, sex with minors, indecent phone calls, etc.?
19. This is a good question! If the answer is "yes" to any of these, there is a good chance you are sexually addicted. On the other hand, being arrested for a sex act could simply mean it's time to get out of Saudi Arabia. Or Utah.
20. Does your pursuit of sex or romantic relationships interfere with your spiritual beliefs or development?
21. This could signal the need to change your spiritual beliefs, not your sexual preferences.
22. Do your sexual activities include the risk, threat, or reality of disease, pregnancy, coercion, or violence?
23. Sex itself includes such risks. Some sex, whether addictive or "normal" or Vatican-approved and acceptable to ayatollahs, rabbis, ministers and even Jerry Falwell, are accompanied by such risks. All sensible people take precautions to engage in responsible, safe-as-possible sex. Obviously, sex with oneself and with the same partner who has no other partners is the safest of all, but even this kind of sex has risks (heart attacks, for example.) This, as with most of the others save number 9, is not such a good question for purposes of assessing sex addiction.
24. Has your sexual or romantic behavior ever left you feeling hopeless, alienated from others, or suicidal?

ANY behavior that leaves you feeling hopeless, alienated from others or suicidal is a strong indication of mental illness and should be attended by trained professionals. Such behaviors go much deeper than their manifestations, in this case, dysfunctional sexual or romantic behavior. This topic is book-length worthy and cannot be adequately addressed in this context, but I offer these comments just the same because the topic of sex and sex addiction, if there is or should be such a thing, warrants discussion in a wellness context.

In a notable book title, Thurber asks, "Is Sex Necessary?" No, it is not. Yet, it persists and we must deal with it. Good luck. Try to look on the bright side--eventually, you won't be interested any more, if you live long enough. Then again, maybe that's not the bright side. What do you think? As always, it's will be a treat to hear from you. Be well--look after yourself and try not to be too grim about anything, including your sex!

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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