don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

A few years ago, I was a cub reporter for a triathlon magazine covering the Muncie Triathlon held, not surprisingly, in Muncie, IN. I can't recall who won, what the weather was like or even how I fared on that day, but one thing I do remember very well. A lovely lady competitor was disqualified -- for nudity! I'm not making this up. Trust me, it happened. In fact, it happens rather more often than you would think at triathlons around the country.

Why this happens is understandable; why it is illegal defies logic and common sense, unless you're some kind of prude.

As you might expect, athletes are in a hurry in triathlon competitions. They want to travel as quickly as possible from the start of the race to the finish of the race. This is a time-honored tradition for races of all kinds. In an event consisting of a swim, a bike ride and a run, something called a "transition area" exists that all competitors must use to switch from the swim to the bike and from the bike to the run. A number of competitors prefer to switch from one article of clothing to another, particularly when finished swimming and preparing to bike. Wet bathing suits are not nearly as comfortable as dry, padded bike pants. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Well, it's illegal if it means you expose yourself in the transition area! In a few rare cases, such as at the Hawaii Ironman Triathlon, separate tents are provided for men and women for changing clothes. Yet, without such a provision, how else can one make the switch save to do it in the transition area? What's the big deal?

In my opinion, there is no big deal, but the officials made it a big deal for a young lady competitor that day in Muncie who found herself "exposed" to disqualification. As I mentioned, this is the most memorable aspect of that long-ago event.

I realize that if you do not engage in the sport of triathlon, this issue of people being disqualified from triathlons for nudity in a transition area may not seem as important as easing the search for Saddam's weapons of mass destruction or locating where warring factions are on the president's road map to peace in the Middle East, but it is a bit more immediate and easier to deal with. In addition, it might be interesting to broad-minded self-management types for several reasons. One is that freedom-loving people ought not tolerate Puritan restraints on their liberties. Self-managers like to do as they please, provided there is no danger to anyone else from their actions and that they do not jeopardize public safety or the welfare of the state.

This rule that cost the lady competitor in Muncie is, in my opinion, a bizarre norm appropriate to the quaint customs of an earlier time. Sadly, the Muncie episode did not occur in some backwater Alabama town -- and the "law" or rule in this case was modern, not antediluvian. Worse, the action against a contemporary female athlete was not some isolated instance of madness by a religious zealot. This was not even the consequence of local reactionaries who, indignant at the display of human flesh in public, subjectively picked out an innocent waif as an example to others of the wages for sins of rampant immorality. No, it turns out that the rule against nudity has been imposed by the governing body of the sport of triathlon because it is codified in the rules and regulations of the sport of triathlon.

Do you think anyone should concern him or herself about transition nudity? Is it sensible, in the Muncie case, for the USAT to punish a woman for exposing her breasts during an athletic contest? Europeans do not get apoplectic about nudity -- why are we so priggish about the human body? This is a self-management issue, in my opinion!

Personally, even though more than a decade has passed since this incident occurred, I think the race officials in Muncie should issue an official apology and award a refund of the entrance fee, with interest and treble damages, to the victim of this grave injustice. This was a case of puritanical fervor, an overreaction prompted by foolish adherence to a rule that never should have been instituted and certainly should never be enforced. Let's go farther. Let's organize a national nude triathlon! If boobs are ok, buns and other parts are just fine, as well. What are we ashamed of?

Of course, I'm not making this suggestion for prurient purposes. No, the high-minded basis for such an event is rooted in a deep-seated conviction that society would be served by a complete openness toward and even a bit of purposeful flaunting of the fit human body. At a time when 64 percent of American bodies are unsightly (in other words, larded with excess fat), we need more exposure of the fit, such as triathletes. Do you share this conviction? This seems especially applicable for women, who are penalized ten times more often than men for "nudity" in triathlons because their breasts are judged illegal, at least to display. Men, on the other hand, can go topless for the entire event, and no one thinks anything of it! How can we tolerate such a double standard in this full equality day and age? Imagine, if a woman changes from a swimsuit to a dry t-shirt, she can be eliminated from a race! Why? Because she has bigger breasts than a man? Why are feminists not at the barricades about this? Fit (and other) women are a beautiful sight. It is not only unfair to penalize them, it is dysfunctional -- we should be encouraging them to display their breasts and other body parts that look wonderful as a consequence of extraordinary conditioning and a superb commitment to personal excellence.

So, wellness promoters everywhere, lend me your clothes. Let's organize, promote and participate in a buff fitness event. Won't it be fun to see who shows and what happens? I predict it will help grow the sport of triathlon, if not the wellness movement. It might even attract a lot of low-lifes who most need to appreciate certain side-benefits of what a wellness lifestyle has to offer.

Think of the ancillary benefits. Unhappy with sports coverage in the spectator-sport dominated pages of your local newspaper? Watch what happens when reporters (to paraphrase Jack Nicholson's character "Joker") get a load of you and your associates on bicycles. Just imagine the public interest in a spectacle of athletes performing three sports in their native attire. Why, it would not surprise me if the nude triathlon served the cause of world peace by raising tolerance for natural human differences.

Of course, if equality for women, freedom from archaic rules, promotion of the wellness movement, greater visibility for triathlons and advancement of tolerance and maybe world peace are not enough, there are also practical, everyday gains for the common man and woman. The nude triathlon will cut to a fraction the financial burden of equipping oneself for this growing sport. All that the triathlete will need is a helmet, one pair of goggles and two pairs of shoes!

If anyone knows how to reach that lady disqualified in the 1988 Muncie triathlon, please tell her about this cause. She can become the poster girl for the campaign and, with passage, will be treated like a queen when she does her first clothing optional transition in the new, enlightened era.

Be well, have fun, lighten up whenever possible and always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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