don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

I'm sensitive to the fact that entitlement programs are unpopular. Except for those that benefit me (Social Security, Medicare), I'm pretty much against them, though I try to be reasonably compassionate, most of the time. Really, I do. I can, in better moments, appreciate the need for aid to other countries, the poor, the handicapped, children and so on. Yet, I certainly would not propose ANOTHER entitlement program at this time, but for the extraordinary needs of the common sense impaired. I favor a new entitlement program for this group of benighted, pitiful and truly hapless people DESPITE an acute awareness that we American taxpayers are already floating in a sea of debt. We cannot afford NOT to reach out to these people before they ruin themselves and us in the process.

Again, I take this view despite alarm at debt caused by the current administration's tax cuts for the rich, wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and massive spending on security measures since 9/11. I know how bad the debt already is. How bad? Well, the last time I checked (06 Jul 2003 at 08:30:32 PM GMT), the outstanding public debt in America was $6,671,362,676,161.62. With an estimated US population of 291,419,912, this means I personally owe $22,892.61 of that sum. (Source: "The Debt Clock Website" calibrated from data obtained from the U.S. Department of the Treasury. Population figures are derived from the U.S. Bureau of the Census.) Yet, I want to propose more debt spending to help the common sense-impaired -- and I'll tell you why.

Every day, we observe in the media, as well as with our own eyes, the struggles of hapless citizens clearly devoid of common sense. Right here in Tampa lives a fellow named Chuck Sheppard who makes a handsome writing about these people. I refer to the 20,000 stories Mr. Sheppard has published in his popular column entitled "News of the Weird." If the people he writes about ever had a lesson in the wellness skill area of effective decisions, they give no evidence of it.

My idea of a federal entitlement program for the common sense impaired was inspired by the success of penis enlargement pill sales. Did you know the market for herbal sexual pills is estimated at between one and two billion dollars a year? People severely common sense-impaired drive this market. They are so common sense-impaired that they read spam (their first mistake) and then, unbelievably, accept bizarre promises by the spammers than some herbal concoction of ingredients they never heard of, like yohimbé bark and horny goat weed, will make their penis bigger and stimulate their sexuality for good measure.

We can't confine these people in mental institutions; we can't arrest or even medicate them against their will. We have to educate them with remedial, emergency training in how to think. If we do this, such as with my proposed federal program for the common sense-impaired, they won't keep hurting themselves by taking ridiculous potions. A special benefit of the training program is that if the common sense-impaired can be re-educated to stop buying things like penis enlargement pills, spammers might not make enough money to keep annoying the rest of us. Without the benighted consumer, they would go out of business.

Therefore, compassionate American taxpayers who value wellness as a mindset for personal and societal well-being and the cherished embrace of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, should band together to encourage the compassionate Republicans of the Bush Administration and the Congress to help these benighted folks who are seeking bigger penises. A Federal program that would fund the teaching of basic critical thinking skills is what I have in mind, with legislation that would make such training mandatory, if necessary, to ensure enrollment of those found to be severely impaired. Anyone who responds to spam would be under suspicion and a candidate for consideration; anyone who buys a pill for a bigger penis would automatically qualify.

A bottle of bigger penis pills (BPP) costs about $2.50 to produce but sells to the common sense-impaired for $50 or more. About 50 companies sell millions of these nonsensical nostrums, producing about $100 million a year, according to an article about BPPs in the New York Times ("E-Mail Hucksterism, Offensive but Effective," July 4, 2003.)

It vexes me to think that I could make more selling BPPs than writing essays about wellness. A career shift is tempting, but I won't do it. Rather, I prefer to promote a federal entitlement program for these pitiful creatures that so need better decision-making skills. If I succeed at that, then I'll also have the satisfaction of knowing I played a role in helping to put the BPP makers out of business.

Be well. Look on the bright side.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of effective decisions. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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