don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

The human heart has hidden treasures, In secret kept, in silence sealed; The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures Whose charms were broken if revealed.

Charlotte Bronte, Evening Solace, 1846

In my salad days, that is, when I was single and running about with wild, holistic women in Northern California in the 70's and 80's, I often encountered companions who insisted that I share everything, especially feelings. There was not an emotion to be felt around some of these sweet ladies that was not worth dissecting, analyzing and categorizing as indicative of profound meaning. After five minutes, such conversations became extremely wearisome. After six minutes, they were intolerable.

I had forgotten most such relationships until a few days ago when I received an E-mail containing an amusing letter alleged to have once appeared in a "Dear Abby" column. I don't know if this is a genuine "Dear Abby" letter. No matter. This contents of this letter should serve as a fitting introduction to a question posed by a recent visitor to SeekWellness.com, and my response, to wit:

Dear Don,

I'm in a romantic relationship with a New Age-sort of woman who often asks me open-ended questions about my past affairs. How open and frank should I be? Is it wise to tell all, even the pretty touchy, racy stuff?"

My immediate response was this: "Tell as little as possible." Before explaining why I gave this advice, consider the probably apocryphal "Dear Abby" letter mentioned earlier.

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or, should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

Have you heard of "voluntary disclosure" programs? You have if you are a tax attorney or corporate accountant. Voluntary disclosure programs (henceforth simply "VD" programs for brevity) might help explain why it's best not to reveal more than necessary in a romantic relationship. Nearly all the states in America have VD programs. These programs consist of elaborately crafted procedural rules for use in late tax filings, mostly by corporations. The programs allow companies to disclose financial information to state taxing authorities under legal guarantee that there will be no penalties incurred for the company's forthrightness in doing so.

Now, consider this: There is no equivalent program applicable to personal relationships! Without a VD program, you can get in a heap of trouble by forthrightly revealing any details about your past affairs to your current lover (s)! Don't do it! State VD programs include a limited "lookback" period of three or four years without a penalty waiver. It would be great fun to imagine and even to create such an innovative custom for use in personal relationships. A VD program for lovers would enable those who want to know all to freely gain such information from their partners, who would be able to share fun details about everything -- and nobody would get angry, upset, hysterical or otherwise flummoxed about "dark spots" (or highlights) from the past.

Unfortunately, no such VD programs exist or are on the horizon. If you have had one or more amazing experiences, congratulations. If you must "share" details about it or even hint that you did something wonderful, awful, amazing or otherwise noteworthy, write a book about it. Just be sure to use a pseudonym.

Be well, and always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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