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by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.
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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

A Wellness Perspective on Relationship Tests

Thursday August 15, 2002

If someone could develop a simple test that would predict, with 99.9 % accuracy, which relationships would work and which would not, people would ignore the test. No doubt about it. Ponder the situation from a personal perspective for a moment. Imagine that you are infatuated, smitten, stricken or otherwise in love with someone, as you probably have been on several occasions. Would you end the affair/romance because a scientific test instrument, widely acclaimed as accurate, indicates the relationship you adore is doomed? No way.

You would probably not want to risk such a test, but if you did and the relationship flunked, you would find a way to argue, convincingly to yourself, that this relationship will prove to be in the .01 percent category, that is, the rare exception to the rule.

I thought of this the other day when I read (Wall Street Journal, August 6, 2002, "Can Eye-Rolling Ruin A Marriage? Researchers Study Divorce Risk") summarizing a wide range of attempts by researchers to develop such an assessment tool. Specifically, the hunt is on for a scientific understanding of the exact qualities that lead either to a lasting marriage or a divorce. The studies include such innovative techniques as videotaping couples during counseling sessions. On the basis of facial expressions, body language and comments made, codes were developed for both positive and negative predictors of relationship success.

What a lost cause. There are two problems with these attempts to predict relationship success or failure: the first is that human behavior is too bizarre to allow for control of all the variables needed for a reliable assessment; the second is that people would ignore it anyway.

Just the same, if only for entertainment purposes, let me review some of the key behaviors suspected to be influential in improving or diminishing prospects that a couple will stay married for a decent interval of time (let's say six years -- the idea of expecting a marriage to last "till death does one or the other part" is too silly to even discuss.) You might want to ask yourself if these indicators cast a pall on YOUR current marriage or other significant relationship and, if so, does that mean you will want to get out now while escape seems possible. By the way, I think it would be great to have a reasonably accurate assessment tool, even if people were disinclined to use it or, if they did, ignore the results. After all, whether the relationship is a marriage or just a highly valued love affair (with or without shared domesticity) absent the blessings of clergy, the breakup would be very bad for both physical and emotional health status. At least fifty percent of marriages do break up (end in divorce, in other words) -- my guess is that a much higher percentage of non wed-locked relationships end, to the psychological chagrin of at least one of the partners. Thus, an accurate assessment tool would be an important issue to explore from a wellness perspective.

Here are the negative indicators. You might want to put a check mark next to those that apply in YOUR relationship.

Eye-rolling. If you do this to signal dismay or other disapproval of a partner's words or behaviors, you're a jerk. Also, the prospects for the relationship are less promising than the chances that Enron stock will regain its former peak values. _____
Breaking traditional gender roles. Not sure what this means (cross dressing?) but if each acts in ways not in accord with sexual stereotypes, the researchers hold that the relationship is jeopardized. _____
Classic and obvious negativity. While common sense would suggest as much, such factors as contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling are risk factors. _____
Kids and when you have them. If early in the relationship, having kids is a bad move in terms of the relationship. If you wait a few years after getting things going, it's a good thing for the relationship. So, cool your jets, so to speak, if you want things to last. _____
Subtle facial expressions signaling disapproval (other than the nefarious eye-rolling move.) _____
Age. The younger you are when you marry or team up domestically or otherwise, the poorer the prospects. Also, if one is a lot older than the other, it's best if the guy is the older partner. Sorry, ladies, but science ain't pretty-or PC. _____
Midlife angst. If you are just passing the years together quietly without dynamic growth in the things you like to do, adventures experienced and the like, hazards line the road ahead or, as the CCR tune goes, "There's a bad moon on the rise." _____
Volatility. If you or your partner suppresses emotions or if you have run out of things to say to each other, consider this as "handwriting on the proverbial wall." Read it. _____
Problem-solving style clashes. If one presses forcefully to deal with and resolve an issue and the other plods along with little commitment to doing so, mark this as a big risk factor. _____
Individual versus team approach. The latter is good; the former puts the relationship at risk, particularly when individual decisions start to prove ineffective. _____
The way differences are addressed. If arguments are gentle and thoughtful exchanges with graceful exits prior to escalations, that's very good. If not, there's trouble ahead. _____

These are just a few of a long list of issues. Basically, if you want your relationship to work out, be a real sweetheart. Be kind, gentle, positive, upbeat, forgiving, easy going, interesting, sexy, hip, empathetic, romantic and, of course, always look on the bright side of life.

Domain: purpose
Subdomain: relationships

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