don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

"Modesty and unselfishness -- these are virtues which men praise -- and pass by. Andre Maurois

Yesterday I introduced the idea of an "unselfishness trap" as described by Harry Browne in his classic 1973 book, How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. Today I'll explain more about who falls into this trap, what Browne believes about our motivations, examples and consequences of the unselfishness trap and his advice for overcoming the wellness-limiting problem.

The unselfishness trap awaits those who try to put the happiness of others ahead of their own in an effort to do what's best for the world, not for themselves. Believe in this ideal and you will probably think it's wrong to attempt to live life as you want to live it. This will make the choice of a wellness lifestyle very difficult.

Browne reasoned that the ultimate motivation for all of us is now, and always has been this -- to do what seems necessary to achieve happiness. Only the means for trying to do so varies. "Selfishness" is hardly a vice if everyone is so by nature; if everyone sacrificed for the happiness of others, who would ultimately be happy? Nobody! Imagine if we all sacrificed ourselves for our children, who in turn sacrificed themselves for their children, and so on -- where would it end? Who would get to have a positive, joyful life lived as he/she wanted to live it?

"The unselfishness trap is a merry-go-round that has no ultimate purpose," Browne advised. If gifts must always go from one person to the next, who ever will get to enjoy it? No one's self-interest is enhanced by the continual relaying of gifts from one person to another to another. In seeking to secure your own wellness lifestyle with maximum freedom and happiness, you will have to deal with people who believe you should not put yourself first. You will be pressured to delay or abandon your plans. You will have to choose between doing what you want to do in seeking happiness or facing the disapproval of others.

A defining characteristic of a free person is the ability to make positive choices based on alternatives that contribute to happiness, not limiting yourself to choices that will result in the least discomfort. Avoid choices made to avoid being deemed "selfish." These are negative decisions that do not enhance your prospects of happiness in the way positive choices do. You are in the unselfishness trap if "you regretfully pay for an aunt's surgery with money you saved for a new car or if you sadly give up the vacation you looked forward to in order to help a sick neighbor." You are not caught in the unselfishness trap if you choose to do either of these things because doing so makes YOU happy. The key variable for wellness purposes in whether you are meeting your own needs, or doing what you think others expect you to do. Always favor the former.

Other examples that Browne offered in his 1973 classic included the following:

• You're in the trap if you feel you're required to give part of your income to the poor, or if you think that your country, community, or family has first claim on your time, energy, or money.
• You're in the unselfishness trap any time you make negative choices that are designed to avoid being called "selfish."
• It isn't that no one else is important. You might have a self-interest in someone's well-being, and giving a gift can be a gratifying expression of the affection you feel for him. You're in the trap if you do such things in order to appear unselfish, but doing so makes you unhappy.

Browne urged readers to "support your local self." He argued that it is possible to create exchanges between individuals based on the idea that both parties benefit, rather than one sacrificing for the other. The key is that "mutually beneficial relationships are possible when desires are compatible," that an "efficiently selfish person" is sensitive to the needs and desires of others but doesn't consider those desires to be demands.

What do you think? Do these ideas about selfishness upset you, or are they common sense or otherwise reasonable and wise? Comments always welcomed.

Be well, enjoy yourself, have fun and please -- always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of emotional intelligence. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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