don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Have you heard of Deborah Wadsworth or Public Agenda? Public Agenda is a nonpartisan, nonprofit, public opinion research and citizen education organization based in New York City and Ms. Wadsworth is the group's president. Public Agenda was started in 1975 by former Secretary of State Cyrus Vance and pollster Daniel Yankelovich. The purpose of Public Agenda is "to help average citizens better understand critical policy issues and to help the nation's leaders better understand the public's point of view." To accomplish this mission, they conduct in-depth opinion research on what average citizens think about important issues.

Well, they certainly accomplished this purpose with the release of their latest polling data on the subject of manners. The new study suggests that most Americans are no healthier emotionally than they are physically. Public Agenda quizzed over 2000 people nationwide and, after evaluating the data, offered the following conclusions about the state of American manners:

• Eight out of ten Americans feel a lack of respect and courtesy is a serious problem in our society.
• A majority claim to encounter rudeness on a daily basis.
• 73 percent believe Americans treat each other with less respect than in the past.
• 60 percent say the problem is getting worse.

Most tellingly, the respondents did not excuse themselves from the charges -- they admitted that they, too, are guilty of rude behavior, including aggressive driving, foul language in the presence of others, displays of impatience and annoyance and the like. If you are thinking that the survey was probably done in New York or other areas with reputations for rudeness, forget that.

Ms.Wadsworth reported that the results were consistent geographically. In summarizing how this rudeness is experienced, Ms. Wadsworth remarked: "It is about the daily assault of selfish, inconsiderate behavior that gets under their skin on the highways, in the office, on TV, in stores and the myriad other settings where they encounter fellow Americans."

What accounts for this situation? Many explanations were put forward by various commentators, from the idea that the increase in rudeness is due to more social isolation and time pressures, a mobile society, the stresses of having to be so vigilant (the better to spot those Evil Doers), television programming, affluence (and attendant felt independence), excessive junk food consumption (the Twinky defense again?) and so on -- the list of excuses is endless.

All of these explanations are wrong, in my opinion. The real causes are related to the fact that most normal people are not living epic and triumphant lives, with attitudes and behaviors focused on self-management for lifestyle artistry! People are not happy, they are not energized by their work, they do not feel secure in or exuberant about their work, relationships and purposes. Bad manners, rudeness, lack of respect, the absence of little courtesies and all the rest are symptoms, not causes. These conditions are NOT caused by social isolation, time pressures, mobility, stress, all that vigilance, television, affluence, junk food or other such silly excuses. The causes are an absence of commitment to the values of personal excellence -- and someone needs to explain that to Ms. Wadsworth of Public Agenda!

Although society is not likely to convert to wellness mindsets anytime soon, that does not mean you can't do so, if you have not done so already.

There are basically two wellness strategies for dealing with bad manners and rudeness. The first is NOT to engage in such behavior yourself, regardless of invitations to do so from others who can indeed be highly vexing. Choose not to take the bait.

The second strategy is a little more complicated, but not much more. It is to demonstrate in varied ways the advantages of behaving with style, panache and serene dignity -- and a touch of humor, when possible. Here are illustrative suggestions for this wellness way to immunize yourself against rudeness while serving as a valued role model for others.

• Teach your children good manners, in part by modeling same. Be polite, artful and loving about doing so.
• Use positive reinforcement to get what you want. Kindness always works better than complaining -- if you doubt it, ask any airline ticket agent.
• Use the words "please" and "thank you" as often as possible.
• Identify instances of unprovoked courtesies, and give appropriate tribute to such heroic modeling by others.
• Describe the advantages of calm responses to stress, respect for others and the like. One of the best reasons for being kind is that you are far more likely to get what you want that way. It's a very practical way to conduct yourself.
• Read or otherwise become acquainted with accepted standards of etiquette, good manners in diverse situations and similar protocols.
• Rehearse likely situations that will surely test your commitment to courtesy and respect for others, such as likely confrontations, rude callers, and situational crises. Preparation is a sound strategy, but even when you behave in a less than optimal fashion, consider the experience a learning opportunity and ponder how to act better next time.

Consider that there are almost no situations that warrant raising your voice, berating others, or stomping off in righteous indignation -- unless, of course, you are demonstrating bad behavior and everyone is in on the gag.

It does not take long to master artful stress management, but you have to want to obtain and utilize the skill. It is not a quality that comes about on its own, but should be considered part of your overall way of dealing with life and the rest of the world.

The best reason to become skillful at good manners is to know at the deepest level that functioning this way is in your interest. In living respectfully, you will be healthier, happier and a lot more fun to be around.

If Ms. Wadsworth and the Public Agenda researchers include you and others like you in their next manners survey of 2000 Americans, I'm sure the results will have us all feeling much better about the way we treat each other.

Be kind, be well and always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of emotional intelligence. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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