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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)
Don't Wait for October 11 To Come Out of the Closet -- Do It Today!
On October 11 of every year since 1987, thousands of Americans whose sexual orientation is gay, lesbian or bisexual "come out" of the proverbial closet and openly declare their decision to "be honest about themselves." The event is celebrated by gays, lesbian, bisexuals and transgender (GLBT) people and their allies and friends on an occasion known as National Coming Out Day. There is a "National Coming Out Project" and other support efforts by groups devoted to such issues, all of which are intended to promote honesty and openness about sexual orientations at variance with the heterosexual norm.
The underlying premise, as I understand it, is that GLBT people are better off if they are visible on campuses, workplaces and throughout communities. In other words, equality will never be reached if GLBT folks remain in the closet. I think that's a sound idea and that it has wider ramifications beyond GLBT issues or sexual orientation.
There are many causes, issues, circumstances, traumas and the like that motivate people to seek refuge in closets of one kind or another. Most of us have or have had at one time or another in our developmental years one or many beliefs or assumptions about ourselves that we held as deep, dark secrets. These secrets sent us into closets about aspects of our lives that we chose to cover up or hide from others, even close friends or mates.
In searching for a personal example, I thought about the steaming hot apple pie I stole from a window ledge on a bizarre holiday in the Southwest Philadelphia community in which I grew up known as "Mischief Night." Isn't that insane? Imagine -- an evening in which little kids are pressured by peers to go out at night and do mischief! I hope some sociologist does a study on this someday -- I'd love to know how THAT tradition came about and if it still exists.
Anyway, I got away with this youthful transgression from decency, at least from the notice of the authorities, though I did get an early comeuppance from nature. My two co-conspirators and I enjoyed our ill-gotten prize at first, but we ate the whole thing and two of us (including me) threw up from gluttony and, just maybe a bit, after the nefarious act, from self-loathing and guilt! Enough about my criminal past.
The point is that I kept this awful secret of my misdeed for years, in fact, I just came out of the closet to you, now! This was at least a half century ago. The good news is that the Philadelphia Police can't touch me now, as I am shielded by the statue of limitations (at least I'm hoping there's a statue addressed to apple pie thefts.) The bad news is I lived with the guilt, shame and all that negativity for fifty or so years! That's why I have come out of the closet -- and why I think you should, too.
Secrets of one kind or another that lead you into closets of the mind can trigger all manner of harm AND discourage advances toward a sustainable wellness lifestyle. A secret is usually something more serious than my apple pie caper. While that story is true, I mention it only to illustrate a point -- I was not really in any closet over it. However, people do deliberately conceal information about themselves that can exert a significant emotional weight on their lives. Secrets can affect relationships, adversely influence decisions and cause feelings of shame and remorse that weigh you down. Such feelings also inhibit the enthusiasms, exaltations and times of exuberance that wellness seekers wish to experience as periodic highlights of a good and successful life.
So, can you think of any secrets that lead you to closets of one kind or another? Are there family experiences that are never discussed? Is there anything you mull now and then but would never talk about with anyone? Do you have clear and inviolate boundaries around some issue or event? If so, could it create unwanted distance from someone important to you not privy to this information?
Sometimes, early on, children are given messages such as "Don't tell anyone!" Unfortunately, an adult might forget to add, later on: "The game's over -- you can tell now" and the neural synapses get locked in place! (Note: That last phrase was not approved by the American Psychiatric Association!) As a result, a secret might be kept, in some cases, long after anyone could possibly care about it.
Relief is often experienced when a secret is revealed or, in the larger sense, when you emerge from a closet of one kind or another. Coming out can be a form of stress management. Usually, the disclosure of a big secret is never quite as negative, upsetting or consequential as you thought or feared. Sometimes, it is actually a positive thing. (This is not generally the case where marital infidelities are involved, but coming out, or rather coming clean, in such cases can still be emotionally beneficial for you, if not good for the union.) Some psychologists believe that marital affairs are more about secrecy than sexuality, but even in such instances the courage displayed can be essential for rebuilding trust, intimacy and love, if these are in fact recoverable. How to go about departing a closet may be a bit of an art in itself, but that's a different topic for another time.
If you occupy a closet, consider emerging and getting on with the challenge of an open life focused on positive living and authenticity. Be who you are and wish to become. Nobody is or used to be perfect. Use humor, if possible, to acknowledge and even celebrate your own imperfections and peculiarities. If you think you need or could benefit from it, consider professional counsel, therapy or electrical shock! (Just kidding.) I wonder what Freud would have told me about why I took that apple pie?
Finally, don't forget to look on the bright side of life.
Domain: mentalSubdomain: mental health
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