don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

"I have learnt silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet strange, I am ungrateful to these teachers." Kahlil Gibran, mystic, poet and artist (1883-1931)

By now, nearly everyone on earth is familiar with the unpleasant situation in northeast Georgia wherein hundreds of bodies thought to have been cremated have been discovered, NOT cremated, in fields, sheds and even in a nearby lake that, contaminated, may have to be drained for safety reasons. It sounds like a bad horror movie. Not surprisingly, the relatives and friends of the deceased are freaked out, distraught and otherwise emotionally out of sorts. The local coroner said he gets about 600 phone calls daily from families seeking information about the remains of loved ones.

The media have inundated us with details of this story. Accounts of the situation have dominated the news on television, radio, newspaper and weekly news magazines. Amazing details about the story has been provided. However, one topic not addressed, at least not found on extensive internet searches, is information about how relatives and friends of the deceased might effectively deal with this unfortunate situation! In fact, I have not noticed a single story that addressed the issue of what could be done to mitigate the emotional distress endured by relatives and friends of the deceased.

Well, maybe it's time for a wellness perspective on all those bodies in Georgia!

First, the basic facts, for the benefit of those who have been off the planet lately. The owner of a crematorium in Georgia who had been paid to attend to (incinerate, in other words) bodies in a legal and sensible fashion was found not to have done so. He is in jail charged with 16 counts of theft by deception for allegedly taking payment for cremations not performed; instead, bodies were discarded over a period of years, strewn about in a reckless, hazardous and insensitive manner. Every day since the story broke over a week ago, more bodies have been discovered. Not only did the proprietor commit fraud, worse, he committed fraud badly, not doing a decent job of burying bodies that he was paid to cremate. Many bodies were left in open piles to rot. The estimate of corpses in and around the site is nearing 300; the costs of the cleanup will run as high as ten million dollars. Six vaults in a shed at the Tri-State Crematory might hold as many as 20 bodies each, according to one newspaper account. The recovery effort is projected to be about eight months, including time needed to drain a lake (possibly contaminated) where more bodies may be found.

So, the question not addressed, till now, is this: "Is there a basic wellness response to this situation?" If you were the parent, spouse or friend of someone whose remains had been assigned to the owner of the Tri-State Crematory in Georgia, what healthy, effective reaction would you adopt? How would you most constructively deal with the news that your loved one was not cremated but simply discarded? Even if you knew what a healthy reaction might be, could you manage it? Another way of putting all this is to ask, "For those directly affected and everyone else, for that matter, what are some elements of a recommended wellness perspective?"

Here are a few ideas along these lines.

For starters, anyone living has a vested interest in asking him or herself a variation on this basic question when bad things happen in life: "What can I do about it in a constructive manner that will enable me, as soon as possible, to overcome the misfortune and constructively renew efforts to have a good life?"

This is part of a personal inventory that probes emotional states in one's own interests. It invites reflections about feeling states over which one can exert a positive influence. Asking such grounding questions does not represent denial that something awful has happened, nor does it show any disrespect for those who might have been injured or otherwise adversely affected by a situation. Instead, it focuses accountability on oneself for choosing to be responsible for one's feelings, actions and the overall impact of a situation on the quality of one's life.

So, with respect to the parents, spouses, other relatives and friends of the deceased who were supposed to have been cremated, what perspectives and attitudes might form the basis of a suitable wellness mindset about these very unpleasant developments? What can these people do to protect their own well-being and renew (or begin) the quest for constructive, exuberant lives of meaning and consequence, filled with positive adventure, fun, joy, love and other valued states?

For starters, frame a few good questions that will help in gaining perspectives for focusing on the brighter side of life, and moving away from negativity that leads to no positive outcomes. These questions are illustrative of such an exercise:

1. What has changed? The loved ones were dead before, gone forever. They remain deceased. For the religious survivors, if the spirits of the dead have gone to heaven, they are still there.
2. Consider the causes of emotional distress. Is it events, circumstances or choices you make concerning how you respond to events or circumstances? The answer, which few would dispute but even fewer recognize at the time of suffering, is the latter.
3. Consider what responses will most expeditiously enable a return to a state of emotional calm? What responses will facilitate positive feelings such as serenity that enable being at your best and to living as well as possible? It is unlikely that the best responses are going to be continued anger, grief and the like.

It is far easier to spot worseness responses than to identify wellness perspectives. Examples of the former include one relative who commented (New York Times, 2/21/02), "I don't sleep. It's a bad deal," or another who said, "People here talk of nothing else!" or yet another who threatened violence against the proprietor of the crematory, implying that the culprit should be put to death and his body treated in undignified ways (I'll spare you the details.) Naturally, worseness reached its most advanced forms in the behavior of lawyers, one of whom filed a $100 million action against a funeral home that used the services of the crematory (the latter is broke, but the prosperous funeral home is more attractive to the litigants.)

None of this is to suggest that those who paid money for cremation only to discover the fraud and deceit now evident in this situation are not richly entitled to being outraged and offended -- they should and surely will seek redress and all manner of criminal action. Such responses are sensible and proper. My point is not to dwell emotionally on being a victim, but to do what can and should be done and move on.

I think the ultimate wellness perspective on all those bodies in Georgia comes down to something Sol Gordon advised for victims of abuse, namely, revenge! No, not revenge in the usual way we think of revenge but rather to live well, to seek to do what needs to be done to transcend the vile acts and other slings and arrows of negativity imposed by others. This is best done by having a great life, despite all that was done to us. This is the ultimate "revenge," for those who would do us harm are likely to be most dismayed when we do well, better than they ever did, despite their efforts to put us down. In this case, the vile acts were not even personal. The corpses were mistreated due to fraud, and maybe insanity played a role of one kind or another. It was not personal! Even if it were, better not to take it so. Just get on with life, and not just any life. Rather, pursue all that is worthwhile, in your own fashion, and don't dwell on the past, what was, and what can't be changed.

That's my take on the matter. What do you think? - comments are always welcomed. Whatever you think, all the best, stay well and try to look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the PHYSICAL DOMAIN under the skill area of adaptations and challenges. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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