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by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.
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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Can/Should Wellness Be Forced On Your Kids? (Encore)

Tuesday January 15, 2002

We all want our children to do the right thing, and we have varied ideas about what the right thing is. Recently, we learned of a new practice of structuring wills to "encourage" children to conform to parental wishes. A parent who felt strongly about the dangers of smoking might disinherit a child who indulged in this horrific habit. Or, a parent who wanted to ensure that his child DID the right thing (as opposed to punishing a bad thing) might cut the child off if she failed to maintain a sufficient level of exercise as the parent thought appropriate.

What do you think of this idea? Should you pass your fortune along to the kids, grandchildren, or whomever without conditions, or are you tempted to do something a bit more inventive and controlling? The trend to control that I mentioned a moment ago has a name in estate planning: it's called a "family incentive plan." That's a euphemism for a will that attaches powerful strings to the transfer of wealth. It's a way to pressure beneficiaries to perform in some fashion of which you approve, or refrain from one or more practices of which you disapprove!

A recent Wall Street Journal article described a few examples of parents seeking to keep tabs on their heirs -- "beyond the grave." For instance, a baseball player wanted to make sure his son worked and his daughter stayed home with her kids -- so the payouts were set up to provide incentives for such -- and disincentives for anything else! Other examples required kids to have pre-nuptial agreements, to go to church, to get an education, to work hard, to not abuse alcohol, to not join a cult, to not follow a beach bum lifestyle, to pass periodic drug tests, to do charitable work or (variously defined), to "be the best they can be," or "to make something of themselves." I personally know one parent who wrote into his will a requirement that his children do the Hawaiian Ironman Triathlon!

Some wealthy parents have done this in the past but today's trend is to do it with a great deal more specificity. "Specificity" is not as colorful as another phrase employed by the Journal reporter, namely, "strikingly idiosyncratic concerns."

Well, I've been known to harbor a few strikingly idiosyncratic concerns of my own, but I don't think this is the way to promote wellness. I'm skeptical that a will, however much is in it, will lead to or sustain more than a cosmetic embrace of a healthy lifestyle. I'm almost certain that a will won't provide an effective antidote to the contagion of "affluenza" -- careless lifestyles occasioned by riches unearned.

It seems to me that when you exit stage left or right and the curtain has dropped, that's it. You had your chance to role model for wellness, in whatever form you thought was best. Let the kids and their kids live their lives. Give them what's left, no strings attached and add one last gift -- the knowledge that they earned your confidence. Let them seek their own interpretations of the well and good life, without the ghost of daddy or mommy still trying to exert control. Let them do the right things for the right reasons, not because they must to get the money.

The best legacies are the cherished images and positive feelings from a lifetime of love, companionship, and quiet guidance via broad examples. Leave the life choice details to those who will have to manage a future unknowable to you.

You'll never know it but they'll love you even more for extending this confidence and freedom, and will probably do better by their own children as a result.

What do you think about this? Drop me a note, if so disposed. And try to stay well.

Subdomain: adaptations and challenges

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