don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Most people marry with romance in mind, and pay little heed to freedom or responsibility issues. Yet, freedom and responsibility are very much affected by marriage. Many, in my view, pay too little attention to these two aspects of marriage, but then many pay too little attention to wellness, as well. If you care a great deal about wellness, then you surely care about freedom and responsibility. For that reason, I suggest this position as a wellness perspective on marriage: avoid it! Marry not.

This is advice to consider whether you are contemplating marriage or simply in a position to offer advice to someone else thinking about it. When you take freedom and responsibility into account, you will probably agree that marriage is to be avoided. I strongly recommend against it, even though some of my best friends are married.

You might be wondering: What brought this up? The answer is, a visitor to SeekWellness.com! That's right -- a few days ago someone sent me an e-mail asking this question: "Don, what's your take on pre-nuptial agreements?" My response was "I don't support pre-nuptial agreements because I have no use for nuptials."

I went on to note that whatever you want to accomplish/communicate or consummate with a nuptial could be achieved with a simple agreement.You and your partner (or whomever) can agree to whatever it is you want to communicate to each other and the world with a commitment ceremony by any name desired. You can exchange rings. You can exchange vows, secular or religious. You can exchange or, better yet, receive presents. You can have a fantastic (or low key) gathering, and be connected in the presence of your parents, friends and ex-lovers. You can have a great commitment or whatever party. You can exchange promises and, last but not least, you can exchange body fluids. You can also create, sign and authorize the state to enforce any agreements you choose to codify relating to children, or anything else. In this fashion, only those powers you expressly delegate to the government are out of your destiny -- the rest you reserve for yourself, which is where responsibility and freedom come into play. You do not unnecessarily invite local judges, religious authorities or third parties to become involved in or be able to enforce aspects of your private affairs. Without being married, you can still have a mate, a partner, a significant other -- whatever name or names you like. By not marrying, "SOB" is less likely to be one of the names you choose, after the honeymoon. For that matter, you can call each other honorary husband and wife, if you like! Who needs to know otherwise or has any business objecting -- it's your life to live as you choose to live it.

Relationships are best formed and maintained by mutual consent of the parties affected. If you want to end a relationship with your butcher, baker or candlestick maker, you don't want to have to petition the government (or church) for permission. Same with other relationships, of great as well as minor consequence, such as marriage.

Freedom is the opportunity to live your life as you want to live it, and responsibility is the willingness to be accountable for as much of life as possible. Marriage invites many restrictions, due in part to cultural expectations and the needs of others. Conflicts are inevitable when restrictions are placed on freedoms. These restrictions include having government involved in your personal affairs (property laws, sexual rules, inheritance issues and other legal implications) and all kinds of cultural and other expectations attendant upon the roles of husband and wife. The institution can become an end in itself, requiring the merger of unshared individual interests "for the sake of" the marriage.

Of course, I could be really weird and quite mistaken about this. However, given my commitment to personal freedom and individual responsibility, I prefer to maintain as much autonomy as possible. Fortunately, my partner feels the same way about marriage as I do. I suppose this suggests that even more important than whether you marry or not is that you find someone who will like you the way you are, the way you think and the way you interpret important concepts, such as wellness, freedom and responsibility.

That's my take on marriage. What do you think? As always, it's a pleasure to hear from you, regardless of the take you adopt on my takes!

Be well, take care and always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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