don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

This essay will begin with five unrelated quotations for your consideration which have no relationship to each other or the topic of this DR.

You probably think I consider Deepak a metaphysical snake oil sales machine, a multi-market fakir of the first rank mixing health with an inventive New Age religion for eternal well-being. Right? Furthermore, I’ll bet you assume I’m wildly jealous of the good doctor, since he’s become rich and famous doing what he does and I’ve become not rich or famous doing what I do, whatever that is? Well, you’re right about the last part! After all, I’m prettier, taller, a lot faster, I have less body fat, a better sense of humor (in my opinion) and, unlike Chopra, I have the capacity to walk into an empty room and blend right in. Given all this, I think I have a right to be jealous. I’m entitled!

No, really, Chopra has a lot going for him, including ineffable bliss, high awareness or consciousness (of something), native intelligence, an English accent, expensive suits, impressive powers of recall, a good stage presence, fine writing skills, a potent work ethic, a detoxified colon and more groupies than Richard Simmons or Elvis. You gotta respect a guy who can manage that, and do it all with poetic enchantment.

On the other hand, you have to wonder: What’s the balance between Deepak’s medical message loaded with health and wellness overtones and the accompanying quasi religious/metaphysical/ spiritual “laws” and theorems that seem to provide the holistic masses with a “feel good” belief system? How might this mixture be measured? Who’d want to? Forget it.

Still, what’s it all about, more or less or at least sort of? What is this man trying to tell us? Well, to be fair, the best way to find out is to read his fourteen books, listen to his cassettes, apply his aromatic oils, swallow his herbs and vitamins, attend his weekend and/or two-week seminars, enroll in his spa-like clinic in La Jolla (bring lots of money), dance to his music, try his tongue scrapers, watch his videos and/or attend his lectures. Of course, this may be a bit much, especially if you have a life! Maybe you should wait for the Deepak movie, the action figures, Deepak dolls and clothing lines, the organic fast-food restaurants or the Deepak political party.

Personally, I think it easier to appreciate Chopra if you can meet certain criteria. These include the following qualities:

• A predisposition to believe that illness, old age, despair and death are illusory, mere figments of the imagination. (Rumor has it that some devotees are disillusioned because Deepak, so far, has not included gravity, evolution and the flavor chocolate in his list of illusions.)
• A tendency to enjoy mysticism in general and transcendental meditation in particular. (Deepak once worked for Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the dippy champion of world peace, meditation and levitation.)
• A willingness to submit to enemas, herbs and meditation. (Preferably not while levitating.)
• A capacity to explain situations, like illusory illnesses, in terms of “energy flows.” (Once I get my own energy flows together, I plan to take over the universe. Those who disagree with “Don’s Reports” will be enslaved in a benevolent manner, assigned to tofu factories and subtly pressured to abide by rational wellness lifestyles!)
• A preference for the idea that body functions are governed by three biological “humors” called doshas -- and that illness is caused by imbalances in these doshas. (I prefer the three humors of Groucho, Harpo and Chico or, occasionally when there are no women around, Curly, Larry and Moe.)
• An orientation of suspicion toward science, in part due to the absence of a “spiritual” quality in medicine. (Presumably this does not apply to “Christian Scientists” unless, of course, you consider the name an oxymoron.)
• A bias in favor of phrases like “the physiology of immortality.” (Versus a predisposition to saying things like ”Huh?")
• A proclivity to place credence in the Bhagavad Gita and/or the efficacy of Ayurvedic treatments. (It also helps to be impressed if some practice or remedy is derived from a third world country like India.)
Finally, you are more likely to be an enthusiast for Deepak if you are comfortable ignoring assessments about Deepak’s promotions by the National Council Against Health Fraud, the American Medical Association and other groups, all of whom, naturally, have their own axes to grind.

Well, I’ve got to end this and go grind my own ax. In conclusion, there seems to be little doubt, as Deepak preaches, that ideas are powerful, emotions make a difference, job and overall life satisfaction are critical for health, meaning and purpose, optimism is better than its opposite and relaxation is good. If this is the missing “spirit” element in health and wellness, well, who would argue? As to all the books, tapes, oils, videos, herbs, vitamins, seminars and retreats, who can object--it’s good capitalism and this IS America. As they say, “Is this a great country or what?”

P.J. O’Rourke might respond, “You bet and, remember, you live only once, and usually not even then.”

Be well, enjoy and look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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