don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

A few years ago, I was a cub reporter for a triathlon magazine covering the Muncie Triathlon held, not surprisingly, in Muncie, IN. I can't recall who won, what the weather was like or even how I, myself, fared on that day, but one thing I do remember very well. A lovely lady competitor was disqualified -- for nudity! I'm not making this up. Trust me, it happened. In fact, it happens rather more often than you would think at triathlons around the country.

Why this happens is understandable; why it is illegal defies logic and common sense, unless you're some kind of prude.

As you might expect, athletes are in a hurry in triathlon competitions. They want to travel as quickly as possible from the start of the race to the finish of the race. This is a time-honored tradition for races of all kinds. In an event consisting of a swim, a bike ride and a run, something called a “transition area” exists that all competitors must use to switch from the swim to the bike (as well as from the bike to the run). A number of competitors prefer to switch from one article of clothing to another, particularly when finished swimming and preparing to bike. Wet bathing suits are not nearly as comfortable as dry shirts and dry, padded bike pants. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Well, it's illegal if it means you expose yourself in the transition area -- unless you are competing in the Hawaii Ironman, where large tents are provided for men and women for the purpose of changing clothes, how else can one make the switch? This was how it came about that the young lady found herself “exposed” to disqualification. As I mentioned, this is the most memorable fact I can recall about that long-ago event.

I realize that if you do not engage in the sport of triathlon, this issue of people being disqualified from triathlons for nudity in a transition area may not seem as important as easing the tensions in the Middle East, feeding the starving masses, saving endangered species, preventing the spread of nuclear weapons (or their use by those countries that already have them) or keeping the ozone hole from getting larger.

But, I think it is potentially interesting to broad-minded self-management types for several reasons. One such reason is that freedom-loving people should not tolerate Puritan restraints on their liberties. Self-managers like to do as they please, provided there is no danger to anyone else from their actions and that they do not jeopordize public safety or the welfare of the state.

This athletic rule in this instance is just another bizarre norm appropriate to the quaint customs of an earlier time. The Muncie caper did not occur in some Florida or Georgia backwater town, though -- and the "law" or rule in this case was modern, not antediluvian. No, this action against a contemporary female athlete was not some isolated instance of madness by a religious zealot. This was not even the consequence of local reactionaries who, indignant at the display of human flesh in public, subjectively picked out an innocent waif as an example to others of the wages for sins of rampant immorality. No, it turns out that the rule against nudity has been imposed by the governing body of the sport of triathlon.

Do you think anyone ought to be worrying about, or more accurately, monitor/police or punish a woman for exposing her breasts during an athletic contest? Europeans do not get apoplectic about nudity -- why are we so priggish about the human body? This is a self-management issue, in my opinion!

Personally, even though ten years or more have passed since this incident, I think the race officials in Muncie should issue an official apology and award a refund of the entrance fee, with interest and treble damages, to the victim of this grave injustice. This was a case of puritanical fervor, an overreaction prompted by foolish adherence to a rule that never should have been instituted and certainly should never be enforced. Let's go farther. Let's organize a national nude triathlon! If boobs are ok, buns and other parts are just fine, as well. What are we ashamed of?

Of course, I'm not making this suggestion for prurient purposes. No, the high-minded basis for such an event is based on a deep-seated conviction that society would be served by a complete openness toward and flaunting of the fit human body. Do you share this conviction? This is especially true for women, who are penalized ten times more often than men for "nudity" in triathlons because their breasts are judged illegal, at least to display. Men can go topless for the entire event, and no one thinks anything of it but let a woman change from a swimsuit to a dry t-shirt and she gets eliminated! Why? Because she has bigger breasts than a man. Why are feminists not at the barricades about this? Fit (and other) women are a beautiful sight. It is not only unfair to penalize them for doing what comes naturally-- we should encourage them to display the results of extraordinary conditioning and a superb commitment to personal excellence.

So, wellness promoters everywhere, lend me your clothes. Let's organize, promote and participate in a buff fitness event. Won’t it be fun to see who shows and what happens? I predict it will be the most fun event in the history of the sport of triathlon, if not the wellness movement. It might even attract a lot of low-lifes who most need to appreciate certain side-benefits of what a wellness lifestyle has to offer.

Think of the ancillary benefits. Unhappy with sports coverage in the spectator-sport dominated pages of your local newspaper? Watch what happens when reporters (to paraphrase Jack Nicolson's character “Joker”) get a load of you and your associates on bicycles. Just imagine the public interest in a spectacle of athletes performing three sports in their native attire. Why, it would not surprise me if the nude triathlon served the cause of world peace by raising tolerance for natural human differences.

Of course, if equality for women, freedom from archaic rules, promotion of the wellness movement, greater visibility for triathlons and advancement of tolerance and maybe world peace are not enough, there are also practical, everyday gains for the common man and woman. The nude triathlon will cut to a fraction the financial burden of equipping oneself for this growing sport. All that the triathlete will need is a helmet, one pair of goggles and two pairs of shoes!

While I would like to be the founder of the world’s first nude triathlon, I discovered after writing this that I’m too late. One such event is already scheduled-in Lutz, Florida, near where I live! For information on Florida and the World’s Only Clothing Optional race called the “Bare Buns Run, Swim and Run,” scheduled for Sunday, September 23, 2001, call 1 877-try-lake.

If anyone knows how to reach that lady disqualified long ago in the Muncie triathlon, please tell her about this event. She will be treated much better this time, and nobody will object to her transitions.

Be well, have fun, lighten up whenever possible and always look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of humor. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

 Send e-mail to Don Ardell