don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

The other day, someone asked me to pretend I was a tobacco executive and in that capacity, to make the case FOR smoking, as an intellectual exercise. At first, it seemed like a hopeless assignment. What could possibly be said in FAVOR of such a disgusting, deadly and costly habit that would be persuasive to anyone save a complete maniac? To be a good sport and for the mental exercise, I thought about it for a few minutes. Here’s what I came up with -- I hope you don’t find it so persuasive that you take up the habit!

American society benefits from the millions of citizens who continue to smoke, despite all the health warnings and inconveniences of the habit. In fact, those of us who do NOT smoke have a vested interest in not discouraging those who do.

Think about it: The more success we have discouraging smoking, the more taxpayers will pay in the long run! Take, for instance, chronic disease treatment and social security benefits. Former Colorado governor and policy expert Richard Lamm and others have shown that smokers "die efficiently" and thereby save the Nation a fortune in medical care costs. Smokers die of their first or second disease, whereas the rest of us run through four or five chronic disorders before checking out. We're the ones who are more likely to die slowly in a hospital or nursing home. What Lamm calls a "negotiated death" is usually financially ruinous since it takes so long due to modern "life" extension technology. Those of us who don't smoke should suggest a pardon for Jack Kevorkian. Unless we smoke or are very rich, we're going to need him!

A recent article in the Journal of Law and Economics (Volume 42, Number 2, October 1999 by W. Kip Viscusir) contained this argument: “Cigarettes are always self-financing from the standpoint of costs to each state. The extent of the cost savings is less than at the federal level. However, smokers' higher medical costs are outweighed by reduced nursing home expenditures, lower pension costs and excise taxes, where each of these factors alone usually exceeds the medical cost effect.”

How significant are the savings that smokers pass on to us health-conscious taxpayers? Extraordinary! A government report puts the number of U.S. smokers at 46 million and suggests that cigarettes cost smokers seven minutes per vile weed. This means, all told, smokers voluntarily give up a grand total of five million years on an ANNUAL basis. My friends -- kiss smokers, don't harass them. Besides saving society billions of dollars, they contribute to population control!

Another reason we need MORE smokers, not fewer, is that smoking kills off the worst elements of the population. (Studies show that nearly all rapists, violent offenders, dope dealers and sex fiends smoke.) As you might have noticed, more mean-spirited and/or deranged people smoke. Consider that you have to be pretty dumb to do something that at least 65,000 studies have clearly shown is very, very bad for your health!

When people continue to do what is clearly dangerous, even ruinous to their health, does this not prove they are by definition a bit loony? By ENCOURAGING smoking, we also respect the desires of some people to do what they like, which in this case is to kill themselves. Freedom isn't always pretty.

By ENCOURAGING smoking, we will have more tax revenues. President Bush favors "sin" taxes on products like cigarettes in order to raise funds to pay for better health care services. This is a partially laudable goal, for the government can always use some more money. If, regrettably, we have to promote sin for more tax revenues, better the smokers be the ones to commit it than the rest of us. We'll pray for them.

By ENCOURAGING smoking, we improve the gene pool which, you might have noticed, needs some attention these days.

There are additional benefits, but you must be convinced by now that we should promote smoking.

As Arthur Hoppe suggested, the U.S. Surgeon General should change the warnings on cigarette labels as follows: "Caution: Quitting smoking causes increased unemployment, pollution and overcrowded freeways."

Next time you are annoyed by a smoker in a restaurant, don't insult him, stare or ask him to put it out. Instead, smile, nod your head and buy him a drink.

As the guru Shanti Goldberg notes, "A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem."

Of course I not being completely serious - smoking is not a rational thing to do and I really don’t recommend you continue smoking if you are currently addicted and I certainly don’t thing it’s wise to start, if you are an impressionable youth (the only ones who can be lured en masse to take up the habit).

All the best. Stay well and drug free - and look on the bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the PHYSICAL DOMAIN under the skill area of lifestyle habits. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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