don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Late last week, Dr. David Satcher, the US Surgeon General, released a report that urged communities to provide young people with thorough and medically accurate sex education as a way to reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, rapes and sexually transmitted diseases. This report, based on a two-year comprehensive review of hundreds of scientific studies and journal articles, was much anticipated and, as expected, generated a great deal of attention. Anything related to sexuality has a tendency to do that in this country. We Americans are a little squeamish about such matters.

I thought about this in relation to another study, somewhat related to the Surgeon General’s report, that was conducted at the University of Vermont. I’ll tell you about it in a moment, but first let me review a few considerations that seem to connect all these studies and reports. After that, I’ll attempt to offer a self-management perspective for your consideration, and the Surgeon General’s if he’s interested, on sexual fantasies in a healthy relationship.

Consider that all aspects of your relationship are shaped by your cultural identity, the norms that prevailed as you grew up and your exposure to religious and other value systems. In terms of your ability to live healthfully, function effectively and work with and enjoy the company of others, these shaping influences are important. Even more important, in my opinion, is a willingness, upon becoming an independent, educated adult, to assess the extent to which these factors contribute to your ability to live the kind of life that you desire. Do all the messages that you received, indirectly or otherwise as a child, still make sense today -- or, are there elements in your earlier life that may have been dysfunctional, confusing, inhibiting or otherwise such that changes are warranted? The latter might better enable you to live your life in a manner that increases your prospects for maximum health, satisfaction and personal effectiveness. As a conscious adult in a democratic society, you have choices about continuing or modifying these shaping forces that relatively few in history have enjoyed. Why not make the most of such opportunities?

These kinds of questions occurred to me the other day when I read about the study at the University of Vermont suggesting that the vast majority of men and women in this country have sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse or significant other. Does that finding shock you? It should, if you are inclined to feel guilty about this sort of thing when you are the one doing the fantasizing or, worse yet (from the point of view of traditional morality), acting upon such fantasies. If this is the case, you may benefit from reassessing a part of that early programming. I myself may need to take another look at some early values, as I can clearly recall being urged to fess up whenever I had what was then euphemistically termed “impure thoughts.” Nowadays, there is a fond place in my heart for impure thoughts, unlike a former president who once confessed to Playboy Magazine interviewers that he was wracked with guilt over tendencies to “lust in his heart.”

In any event, the study at UV was published in “The Journal of Sex Research.” In good scholarly fashion, a definition of “sexual fantasies” was provided, as follows: "any erotic or sexually arousing mental imagery that a person has while awake." The fascinating thing about the study, at least in my view, was the finding that 87 percent of participants currently in relationships (married) regularly have such fantasies -- 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women." Personally, I wonder if the study did not also hint at an unrelated but still interesting sociological fact, namely, that in any study that probes sensitive sexual habits, two percent of men and 20 percent of women are likely to lie!

Many people, not surprisingly, feel guilty about their fantasies. The UV study found that sexual fantasies almost always involve someone other than a current partner, and that the frequency and intensity of the fantasies, and length of time in a relationship, affect whether people act upon their fantasies. Of course, even if someone were to take steps to carry out a fantasy, there is no way to know if others could be found willing to participate in bringing them to reality. Public humiliation, not to mention shaming and fear of scarlet letters, are still potential barriers to fantasy realization. Getting back to the study, the lead investigator was quoted to the effect that few people realize how common it is for people who are in relationships to fantasize about someone other than their current partner.

As for guilt, the investigator said, "Having this sort of data available allows mental health care workers and the general public to gain a greater understanding of what could be considered normative in sexual fantasy and behavior."

Since most people want to feel normal about such matters, I suppose this is a good thing, but I also think most would do well to learn as much as possible about themselves by paying more attention to such daydreams, sexual or otherwise.

Harry Browne, author of How I Found Freedom In An Unfree World, defines freedom as the opportunity to live your life as you want to live it. I urge everyone who has sexual or other fantasies to ponder the message that might be included in such daydreams, and to discuss these matters with others, especially the person with whom you are in an intimate relationship. Who knows? Maybe she has the same kind of fantasies, and you can play a role in helping her fulfill her own dreams while you act upon yours! Browne urged readers who wanted to be freer to think about what you dream of today and to take such dreams/fantasies seriously, asking “Why shouldn’t you at least try to make your life what you want it to be? The next time you daydream, imagine that you’re free to actually live the experience you’re fantasizing - totally free of all commitments, obligations and boxes…Use your imagination to find better alternatives.” If you later decide to continue things as they are, you will do so with the satisfaction of knowing that you have seriously looked at alternatives and realized that none is better than what you have now -- or, you will make informed, reasoned changes. It’s your life. Don’t spend too much of it in a fantasy world.

All the best. If you want to describe in detail your sexual fantasies, well, hire a therapist - don’t tell me about them. It’s not that I’m shy or anything like that - I’m just afraid that my own fantasies will pale by comparison and I’ll get depressed!

Be well.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MEANING DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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