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by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.
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Defusing Anger in Others -- More Tips for Self-Managers

Wednesday February 7, 2001

This is the third in a series of essays about dealing with anger in an effective manner. However, I have to admit that even writing about the topic for two days seems to tighten my "comportment valve" (a favorite phrase from John Kennedy Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces), so I'm going to wrap this up today in order to refocus on positive emotions, including my favorites joy, serenity, love, compassion, and enthusiasm

Still, there are a few more points to make about anger, and I like the way a physician friend named Mort Orman, a specialist in stress management, summed up the topic. Mort Orman wrote that all angry people want the following:

They want you to admit that you did something very wrong.
They want you to acknowledge and empathize with the pain and/or damage you have caused them or others.
They want you to admit that you, and you alone (or your company, etc.) are 100% to blame for whatever happened, and that they had little or nothing to do with it.
They want you to take full responsibility by apologizing for what you did wrong, by offering to make amends, or by being appropriately punished or sanctioned for your misdeeds.

Dr. Orman suggests that if angry people don't get these kinds of responses from you, their anger will intensify. These four statements and more on the topic were published in The Orman Health Letter (Volume 6, Issue 4, November-December, 1999) entitled "How to Deal with Angry Customers, Angry Loved Ones and Other Angry People." You can access Dr. Orman's ideas about anger and much more at his website, StressCure.

While you can be remarkably tactful, in most cases you won't convince the angry person to reconsider his or her situation. Don't even try, at least not until the anger has passed, or you will make things worse. When someone chooses to feel and act like a victim, reason sounds like rejection, a cover up, a shift of blame or worse, causing the sense of outrage to get worse.

The time for rationality, if there is to be continued communication (as might be desirable if you are married to the angry person who got in your face), is much later, after the anger has passed.

Oh, and one more thing: After reading this discussion of how lunatic people can be when caught up in anger, give yourself another pat on the back for making a commitment not to permit yourself to go off the emotional deep end. And rededicate yourself to all the positive returns you can expect by continuing to learn and master self-management skills for a better, healthier, and more serene existence.

To conclude and perhaps capture the spirit of the entire series of essays, let me offer a simple proverb, as useful to the infidel as to the devout and most in between: A soft answer turneth away wrath but grievous words stir up anger. Lose the grievous words in favor of the softer comforts as you cheerfully go about your way, having a whistle, and looking on the bright side of life as much as possible.

Cheers. Look after yourself. Be well.

Domain: mental
Subdomain: stress management

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