don's report archive

by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.

Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Yesterday's essay addressed anger in general, with the assumption that the first challenge for self-managers is to gain control over their own emotions. This seems essential for maximum personal effectiveness. Of course, it is not only our own anger that is worthy of management. Another self-management skill is the ability to diffuse and redirect the anger of others, especially when targeted at you or manifested in someone dear to you (such as your child).

Anyone who has worked in customer service knows that aikido-like turn asides of someone else's anger are more effective than direct confrontations. And, such efforts need not be perfect -- even a partial reduction in anger can save dreadful consequences. For these and other reasons, anger management skills are well worth the time needed to learn. Consider these tips as starter insights:

1. Acknowledge the angry person's pain, concern, or feelings.
2. Refrain from pointing out some reason why the person should NOT be angry. While it is good for YOU to have some sense about the nature of this anger, it is unwise to try to communicate your insight at first.
3. Do NOT disagree with or challenge the justification for anger manifested. Focus instead on communicating a bit of empathy for the person's feelings.
4. Agree with the angry person. No matter how ridiculous the situation, do NOT disagree. At that particular moment, you will not be under oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so why increase your chance of getting shot or assaulted, just to keep the record straight?
   
   
   
   For instance, if he or she says, "You just did a stupid thing and I feel like eviscerating you for it," consider a simple acknowledgment like, "I agree with you. That was dumb of me. I feel like a real putz." Or, suppose your wife screams, "All you care about is yourself. You never think of anyone else. You're the most selfish person in the universe!" How about responding along these lines, "Honey, I think there's a lot of truth to that or you wouldn't say it. I think I do give too little attention to your needs." These responses are not going to lead to instant bliss but such comebacks WILL defuse the emotional level and it will be easier to move from there to safer ground.
5. Practice or role-play anger confrontations with a friend or spouse until these non-confrontational responses become second nature. It is very difficult to apply calm, centered wisdom in the heat of an emotional attack, particularly when another person is in your face.

In summary, you should limit your expectations for initial exchanges with an angry person. Instead, make your objective a more modest one -- lowering the emotional hold that anger has on the other person. Your objective should NOT be to cure the other person of his anger or to become his friend and counselor. Rather, just avoid making things worse. Defuse a dangerous or unhealthy situation and in doing so you will contribute to the other person's well-being while safeguarding the continuation of your own good health.

More on this tomorrow. Comments welcomed. Be well.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of stress management. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

 Send e-mail to Don Ardell