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by Donald B. Ardell, Ph. D.
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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

A Wellness Perspective on Divorce

Thursday November 2, 2000

Few think of negative matters in the context of wellness. This might reflect the fact that wellness is such a positive outlook -- it somehow seems inappropriate to address matters of a decidedly non-well nature when the concept is considered. Yet, simply facing reality is a healthy thing to do, and not even a wellness lifestyle makes you immune to setbacks, frustrations, illnesses and other disappointments now and then -- including, in some cases, having to deal with divorce. Let me comment about how a wellness lifestyle, and the perspectives or mindset associated with the wellness philosophy, can serve to minimize the adverse impact of divorce. a wellness outlook can moderate the extensive emotional pains that divorce involves for the couple, their children, and their extended family, friends and even business associates.

There is usually a shortage of humor associated with divorce; it certainly is no laughing matter. this fact has not kept comedians, social satirists and nearly everyone else from having fun with the topic, just as other basically "unfunny" subjects (death and politics come to mind as other examples!) are treated lightly, if only as a safety valve. In this context, the words of Anne Hayes come to mind who replied, when asked whether she had ever considered divorcing husband and Ohio State football coach Woody Hayes: "Divorce? No. Murder? Yes." (Lee Green, Sportswit, 1984)

One invaluable wellness quality that will help if this obstacle to serenity and peace of mind comes your way is a willingness to make the best of circumstances. You do this in part by taking responsibility to create order from chaos or, if not order, at least to focus less on the negatives (however much they might demand attention) and more on strategies for securing some positive outcomes.

This is especially important in situations that at first seem completely negative, unhealthful, damaging or otherwise harmful or unsustainable. Nobody gets married knowing that it will not turn out well, but it happens, more than most prospective brides and grooms want to consider. Divorce in this country is at record levels.

While divorce is rarely a positive event, especially when first encountered, it exists in part because many people are unable to maintain a vitally important relationship that at one time seemed made in heaven, or its secular equivalent. Since most folks are not aware of, let alone skilled in, the art of living in accord with wellness principles, divorce is, as Jane O'Reilly noted, "less painful than the need for divorce." Initially, it must seem, as Margaret Atwood noted, that a divorce will prove, at best, a bit "like an amputation; you survive, but there's less of you." In fact, it need not be quite so debilitating, in time.

Divorce is made more complex, disturbing, destructive and hazardous to health than it need be by many factors. Some of these factors include government policies, avaricious lawyers, religious beliefs/traditions/and rules, the personality types and emotional qualities of those involved and the posture or incompetence of available support -- professional or otherwise. Naturally, there are other complicating factors, but these suffice to suggest the degree to which damages can occur. For the individual affected or about to be affected by divorce, his/her own or someone else's, however, there is one variable that transcends all the others. This variable makes all the difference, in my opinion, in terms of immediate, intermediate and long term consequences and is the one that affects whether divorce will lead to emotional duress, if not despair, annihilation and hopelessness (that's the dark side), or constructive adaptation to change, emotional calm, rationality and continued advances toward optimal health. The variable to which I refer is, of course, an individual's wellness skill level, that is, the degree to which he or she can self- manage the divorce process emotionally and otherwise. In any crisis, including this one, the wellness quality of personal mastery will contribute to a more positive resolution of the situation. In fact, if everyone were possessed of and engaged in the art of self managing wellness lifestyles, divorces would be uncommon!

Of course, so would marriages but that's a topic for another day! :-) Maybe tomorrow.

Domain: mental
Subdomain: relationships

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