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Wellness in the Headlines
(Don's Report to the World)

Ethical, Responsible and Enjoyable Alternatives to Traditional Marriage: How Many Are There And Which Ones Do YOU Favor?
Monday March 22, 2010

I was invited to attend a lecture a few days ago but due to the distance involved, I gave it a pass. However, the topic was intriguing, so I thought I would mention it and discuss the issue—"polyamory." The lecture topic was framed as a question, namely: "Polyamory: America's Next Romantic Revolution?"

Well, the invitation had my interest. If there is a romantic revolution on the horizon, I want to know about it before I'm too old to enjoy it.

While I could assume the subject was related to "many loves," as in "poly" and "amory," I don't know much about polyamory. In fact, I know close to nothing, though I soon discovered I've been one most of my life, sort of, without knowing it. I suspect it is not uncommon in this country and elsewhere to have many loves. But, when this is so while married, things get complicated and happy endings are few—ask the governor of South Carolina, Tiger Woods, John Edwards and countless others who enjoyed many loves while married. But, I soon learned that what these guys were doing was definitely not what polyamorism is about.

I had many questions after reading the first part of the invitation. I wondered if this might be a new movement? Is it something common to freethinkers (better known to devout Christians as "heathens" and to Islamists as "infidels")? So many questions, but before I could find answers to my own questions, I noticed the invitation itself listed further queries to stimulate prospective attendees. These included:

What is polyamory and how does it work?
What are the pitfalls?
How do people deal with jealousy?
What are the ethics of polyamory?
What are the legal issues?
What are the outcomes for children?
What does science have to say about how monogamous or polyamorous we are as a species?
What are the most common misunderstandings about polyamory?

Goodness. I was ready to send in my confirmation. This sounded great. I wanted answers to these questions, questions that had not occurred to me before receiving this fascinating, provocative invitation to hear speaker Anita Wagner, an expert on the subject.

The invitation contained not only questions, however. It offered basic information, such as an explanation that polyamory is "an ability and desire to openly, honestly, and romantically love more than one person at a time." Now I was really getting interested. I like the idea of openly, honestly and romantically loving more than one person at a time. As a student at George Washington University, I tried this on several occasions, and enjoyed the experience very much. But, nowadays, I have no idea if my wife would favor such a thing. But, it might be a good topic to raise when she is in an especially good mood. I needed to know more about this polyamory business. Was there a downside, and if not, how does one get started?

Unfortunately, showing up for this lecture in Falls Church, VA would require an 835-mile journey from my home in St. Petersburg, FL. That was where Ms. Wagner would speak about polyamory at the monthly gathering of the Northern Virginia Chapter of the Washington Area Secular Humanists (WASH). It's good of WASH to include me on their mailing list—one of these days, I'm going to make a meeting. But, I only had 48 hours notice for this one, so I had to give it a pass. Just the same, my interest in polyamory had been aroused. I started searching for answers to the teaser questions on the invitation.

I learned that those who practice polyamory view it as a form of "responsible non-monogamy," an "authentic way of expressing who they are and the love they have to share." Those are quotes from Ms. Wagner, who runs a website and travels widely, serving as a leader, organizer, advocate and media spokesperson on polyamory. She explains that polyamorists are found in all walks of life and thus cannot be categorized by social class, personal wealth, religion, race, sexual orientation, age, political philosophy or world view. What matters to polyamorists, according to Ms. Wagner, are personal qualities. These include honesty, openness, trust, love, commitment, patience and egalitarianism.

I certainly favor all these qualities. Don't you? We could be polyamorists.

Ms. Wagner says that monogamy is one way to love, a way that is suitable for some but not everyone. Polyamory is, in her view, no better and no worse, but just another way of expressing love and devotion. I don't know this for a fact, but I'm going to guess that most members of today's Republican Party would not agree with this last statement.

Is this a legitimate topic for wellness seekers? Does it fit as a sensible thing to discuss, say, at a seminar on healthy relationships? Should it be included as part of the offerings for company worksite wellness programs?

What do you say? I'm ready to learn more about polyamorism. I hope Ms. Wagner comes to Florida soon to give her talk on ethical, responsible and enjoyable alternatives to traditional marriage. However—and I point this out for no self-serving personal reasons having to do with the fact that my wife reads these essays, I have no problems with my OWN traditional marriage. This is strictly about my love of learning, natural curiosity and commitment to reporting on coming romantic revolutions. (Love you, Honeybun!)

Be well. Look on the exuberant, skeptical, ethical, responsible and enjoyable REAL wellness bright side of life.

(Note: This essay will be filed in the archives in the MENTAL DOMAIN under the skill area of relationships. Additional articles related to this theme may be found there.)

(Ed. Note: Views expressed in this and other columns are those of the author and not necessarily those of the SeekWellness Editorial Board.)

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